Personality Clash!
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Although I hadn't yet spent much time with her, I admired "Sarah." I could learn a lot from her, since I was a new missionary and she'd served overseas for years. She was energetic, decisive, resourceful, and confident. Most importantly, she loved the Lord and wanted to make her life count for eternity.
I can't remember exactly when my feelings toward Sarah began to change, but as the weeks progressed, I grew increasingly uncomfortable around her. She presented her opinions at our team Bible study forcefully, the polar opposite of my style. She often spoke with such authority and conviction that it left no room for disagreement.
I felt that I had only had two options in responding to Sarah. I could rip her idea apart in front of the others in the group (something I didn't want to do) or else silently disagree with her. I inevitably opted for the second choice.
The crux of the problem
I hate conflict, so I tried to ignore the problem rather than talk with Sarah about my feelings. That tactic caused me to carry my silent protestations far beyond our meetings. I brooded for days about what she'd said, as well as the way she said it. As time went on, I found myself sinking into increasingly deeper turmoil.
I knew Sarah was God's child and someone for whom Jesus died. I felt I shouldn't criticize her, either to others (like my husband, who had to put up with me talking about how she'd hurt me) or to God.
I decided just to forgive her for the way she—unintentionally—plowed over me verbally and emotionally. Rather than experiencing the peace God gives when we forgive someone, though, I was filled with guilt because the negative feelings I had toward her didn't disappear.
Looking back, I can see why this solution didn't work: Sarah wasn't sinning against me. I didn't need to forgive her, because she'd done nothing wrong. She was just being herself! I had no right to expect her to be like me or anyone else. The fact that she was relating in a way I didn't like didn't mean that she was sinning.
When, even after that revelation, the problem persisted, I decided to talk with Sarah.
Surely that will help, I thought. So after praying about and planning how I would express my feelings, I met with her.
I wanted to get to the crux of the problem clearly and without laying blame on her.
"Sarah, you and I communicate so differently," I told her. "While I hesitate to present my ideas in absolute terms, you state your thoughts forcefully. When that happens, though, I feel shut down and left with only two options: to say nothing or to fight back verbally."
Sarah seemed to understand how I felt and, though our time was tense, we left on a friendly note.
Unfortunately, nothing changed as a result of our conversation. Sarah continued to relay her opinions in the same way at our group meetings.
Related Topics:
Conflict, Enemies, Ministry Leaders, Relationships, Difficult
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Nicole(Registered User)
Beautiful article that truly speaks to the transforming power of God's love. I think we all have people in our life we conflict with on some level and this article is a fantastic reminder that we can learn from conflict and grow from the experience in a positive manner with God's love and grace.
JW
I enjoyed reading this. I am not a very forceful person either. I am introverted and it takes me a while to voice my opinions. I usually just let things bottle up. I once worked with someone who had an overpowering personality and was very decisive. It took a lot to deal with her. But I have come to the realization that it was definitely a personality clash and that I just didn't like the coworker. She is the way she is and I am the way I am, and a lot of times it takes compromise to deal with people whom we don't necessarily get along with but with whom we will be sharing a lot of social experiences with.
Kim
Lisa's experience hit me hard. I am a "sarah" in my sphere of influence, and it's not unusual for other strong-willed women to clash with my personality. I'm having to learn to truly love those women, even though we will probably never be best buddies because of our differences.
catherine t thompson
thank you so much for being so sincere and real. I know why God led me here. I needed to talk to someone about a similar problem and I am glad I met you today. I promise I will work along these same lines. Yes God has called us to complement each other and its soooo easy to look at the other leaders, forget your qualities and throw in the towel. Thank God he sees and wants to use all of us.
Anonymous
Superb. I will share with others. I was blessed.
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