Mouse-to-Mouse Conflict
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[2 Comments]I knew better than to hit the send button on my keyboard, but I did it anyway. I wanted Gretchen (not her real name) to understand my feelings about her early-morning message. Her request sounded innocent enough: "Would you cover my spot this Sunday while I'm on vacation?" But the polite tone didn't fool me for a minute. As she'd done so often, Gretchen had assumed I'd serve without her asking me first. Once again she'd substituted my name for hers on the ministry schedule before she sent the email. Her "request" was a sham. Like always, I felt abused and taken for granted.
After I launched my reply, I read back through it. Firm but controlled, I thought as I scrolled down the lines. I doubted Gretchen would ever guess how much I resented her arrogance.
Boy, was I wrong.
Conflict resolution experts tell us the most effective communication takes place face to face, not mouse to mouse. But the hours we spend in front of our computer screens may tempt us to ignore that advice. Why wait to make a phone call when we can fire off an email and move a problem off our desk? Why not address grievances from a safe distance so no one sees our anger or frustration?
Looking back, I recognize ways I could have avoided denting my relationship with Gretchen. And I'd like to think it won't happen again. But our anti-virus/anti-spam software doesn't come with guarantees we'll never find provocative or stinging messages in our inboxes. Sometimes we'll be able to deal with the clashes in person or by phone. Other times we may need to respond through a reply button. When circumstances demand a keyboard-driven answer, here are six tips for making those confrontations more successful.
1. Remember the Rules. All the advice we've read about communication and relationships—look for win/win solutions, seek understanding before being understood—still applies in this tech-crazy world. We just have to adapt the rules to new communication formats. Consider this cardinal rule for example: My desire to vent my feelings doesn't entitle me to trample someone else's feelings. I might have remembered that rule if I'd talked with Gretchen in person, but I forgot it when interfacing by computer. In fact, I forgot or ignored most of what I've learned about confronting people in a caring manner. Since that interchange, I've tried to visualize the other person's face when my correspondence tackles a touchy subject. That simple trick reminds me I'm speaking to a person with whom I have a relationship, not an inanimate object.
2. Go for Gentleness. Sarcastic zingers may be fun to write, but they can raise giant stumbling blocks in the communication process. I'm trying to practice Paul's challenge from Philippians 4:5: "Let your gentleness be evident to all." When we confront someone in person, we convey gentleness through our voices and body language. In emails and texts, we inject gentleness through our words, remembering that we're speaking to the heart as well as the mind. So what happens when I'd rather hammer someone than tap their shoulder? First I remember gentleness is a fruit of the Holy Spirit's presence in my life (Galatians 5:22-23). If I don't have the right attitude, I know the reason. Then I think of gentle giants I know, people who balance firmness with kindness, and I emulate their voices as I write.
Related Topics:
Anger, Arguments, Blame, Conflict, Confrontation, Respect
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aidycruzado
Good article which will be useful in all types of social groups. Conflicts may rise more often when non-Americans try to communicate their thoughts in English..to an American. And this applies to other nationalities trying to communicate something in a foreign language! Yes, body language is important and we can't portray that electronically!
Barb Winters
Great reminder. It is so easy to read into an email something that is not there or misinterpret a message. For most difficult interactions, we should pick up the phone or talk face-to-face.
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