I Thought You Ought to Know That ...
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Carl called me aside after Sunday school class. "You haven't seen much of Pete lately, have you?" he asked. Before I responded, he said, "I thought you ought to know that you offended him by something you said."
"Offended him?" I wondered what I could have done.
"One Sunday he tried to get into the church office and the door was locked. You came by and said, "That's the first time I ever saw you trying to get inside the church."
I recalled the incident. Pete had joked about the pastor not being able to get to church early enough to unlock his office.
"I was only kidding him," I told Carl.
"That's the way Pete is." He told me several tales of Pete's touchiness.
"How did you find out he was offended?"
"He told his brother-in-law who told Bill, and Bill told me."
Typical story. Someone gets offended and by the time the information gets to me, it's been filtered through at least three other people.
The conversation bothered me. I'd hurt someone, even though unintentionally. I reviewed the conversation in my mind, but I couldn't understand how anyone could have misconstrued the conversation. Yet Pete had.
"He ought to have come to me," I mumbled to myself. I heard the words echo back, "He ought to …"
Later that day, I grumbled to God. "I'm tired of innocent remarks getting twisted around and ending in hurt feelings. Why am I supposed to reconcile? People don't seem disturbed when they hurt my feelings. If Pete had been hurt, he was the one responsible to tell me."
I couldn't leave things like that. Likely Pete had intended for the information to reach me that he was hurt. Although I felt I'd done nothing wrong, the fact remained: Pete had been offended.
Later I apologized to him. However, that incident pushed me into serious thinking. Aside from the fact that Pete should have come to me himself, other things were also wrong. I heard the information through the I-thought-you-ought-to-know message system.
Haven't we actually twisted it from the principle Jesus gave? He said, "If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the fault. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back" (Matthew 18:15, NLT).
Caring means being honest and confronting when necessary. It used to be that when conversations like those came to me, I kept the names in confidence. When I had to confront the third person, I'd say, "Someone told me that …" or "I've heard that …"
I determined to change the way I responded. Shortly after that, Fran cornered me after the worship service. "Go see Rita this week." Rita had been one of the most faithful members of my class.
"Any particular reason?"
"And ask about her father."
I nodded. I'm sure the puzzlement in my mind showed on my face.
"You hurt her feelings," Fran said.
"What did I do wrong?"
"You didn't ask about her father. She was gone all last week. She told you he was ill and you had prayer for him in class. Now she's back and you didn't ask about him."
Related Topics:
Conflict resolution, Confrontation, forgiveness
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Joan Henwood
At times I have had someone (often a leader) say to me, "Someone said they were upset about...." always referring to something I had said or done. This has always disturbed me and I have come to the point of saying, "Don't tell me, tell them to come and talk to me." This article gives a clear Biblical answer as to how to respond. Thanks! I think I will share it will the people who have said, "Someone said...."
Jean Jones(Registered User)
Great article--I stopped bearing the second-hand messages some years ago too, and one of the benefits is people quit expecting me to!
Chapri
James 3:2 says For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same [is] a perfect man, [and] able also to bridle the whole body. Unfortunately at some point in our lives we will offend or be offended because we live in imperfect bodies. I do get irritated that sometimes we opt not to take the biblical route when an offense occurs. If we are true soul-lovers (brethren or those in the world) then if WE are offended we should go to that person in humility and willing to reconcile and not pass it off to others to do our jobs.
trisha
Churches are to be the place of growing spiritually-each and every person. Matthew 18 is a model of healthy adult behavior and one that respects relationship. We do not do anyone any favors by allowing them to continue in childish behavior. Pastors, leaders, and every member is to obey the Word. Sometimes a church has a culture of bad communication-just like a family and it takes someone from the outside to see and name it. Pastors and church leaders must recognize immature behavior and call it out lovingly.
CJ(Registered User)
This article was very succinct in explaining the Biblical course we are to take. Taking the round-about way it what leads to gossip. Christians are as good as gossip as any, myself included. Thank God for Grace! I plan on adding this one to my links to be reminded in the future. If only everyone were to read the Word and see this is how we are supposed to act! Thank you for the article.
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