Isolation Nation
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It was one of those rare academic statistics that caught the eye of the nation: Nearly 25 percent of Americans surveyed said they had no one in whom to confide.
The statistic was from the "Social Isolation in America" study, published in the June 2006 American Sociological Review. On average, the study found American adults have only two close friends—down from an average of three in 1985. The study also revealed 80 percent of us confide only in family.
All the major news sources pondered these startling statistics for months. How could it be that one out of every four of us doesn't have a single friend to turn to in times of need? Why do so many of us have no friends outside our family? And does it really matter whether we maintain close friendships?
Research indicates friendship offers big benefits to our physical and emotional health. A 2000 study showed loneliness can cause high blood pressure and sleep disruptions. Data published in 2007 shows lonely people may be at greater risk for developing Alzheimer's later in life. Still another 2000 study found the closer a friend feels to us, the more likely she'll provide major help in a crisis.
When Rosie Sieber's husband, Gordon, was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer, the Los Angeles resident had to share the sad news via telephone with her mom and relatives who live in Venezuela. Rosie, 35, knew she'd need more than long-distance encouragement, so she turned to another "family": her neighbors and church. These friends cleaned her house, made her meals, and babysat her toddler son. When Gordon died, Rosie felt so overwhelmed she thought about taking her life. But the continued support of friends kept her going.
Throughout Scripture, the value of relationship is clear: "Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2); "If you fall, your friend can help you up. But if you fall without having a friend nearby, you are really in trouble" (Ecclesiastes 4:10, CEV); and, "There are many of us, but we each are part of the body of Christ, as well as part of one another" (Romans 12:5, CEV).
In light of these statistics and Scriptures, why are so many women going it alone?
Mobile Homes
The "Social Isolation in America" study gave credence to Harvard professor Robert Putnam's 2000 book, Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. The book details how we've become a less social society since the 1950s: Americans know our neighbors less, meet with friends less frequently, and even socialize with our families less often.
That decline is partly caused by our increasingly mobile society. We live in one neighborhood, work in another city, and attend church in a third locale. Consequently, we're not fully connected to any single community. Additionally, people are more likely to move far away from extended family and not stay put in any one location.
Related Topics:
Community, Connecting, Fellowship, Friendship, Loneliness, Neighbors
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Jessica
I think it's particularly hard for women to cultivate friendships within the church, because women cannot accept each other as they are. Instead you find so many women looking down at each other for all kinds of silly faults--one woman isn't an amazing cook, another doesn't dress well enough, still another might have a personality that is 'too serious' or perhaps they feel another woman doesn't serve in the church enough. They take their own personal preferences in the areas of childcare, education, homemaking and career and push it onto everyone around them, thinking they aren't "christian enough" if they don't do things a certain way. I'm convinced that until women learn to cooperate instead of compete that the christian church will never have unity--and the church will continue to be a prime place of isolation (not friendship) among women.
Donna Collins Tinsley
Thank you for posting such an awesome and well researched article! I especially loved what "Bowling Alone" author Robert Putnam famously stated in a radio interview: "People watch Friends rather than having friends." It seems the trend today is to more isolation and less interaction and we all need to guard against that in the Body of Christ. I just read the comments afterwards, and am so sad for Jane who said, "Eventually the church tired of us and all help stopped at the pastor's door." Jane, I pray you don't let that experience turn you against people. I will pray that you will find a friend and a church that will meet your deepest needs. Blessings, Donna Collins Tinsley
Khalil
It just isn't women that experience this either, before moving out into the mission field I "lost" a lot of friends to marriage or just moving torwards a different direction in life. It was this way for around 10 years. Two years in the middle east and the same pattern is pretty much here as well, just a little bit more pronounced.
jane
Intereting article. I am glad that the author did not specifically tell people to turn their churches. While that provides friends for many I would caution ladies against going to the church with needs, especially the "need" for a friend. We had a terrible 7 year period during which I lost my entire extended family due to death and accidents, and we had to relinquish an adopted son following some dangerous circumstances. Eventually the church tired of us and all help stopped at the pastor's door. To this day he cannot speak to us. We have drifted alone for the last couple years. Then recently we had some surgeries with long recoveries, and difficulties with a son. We chose to weather these storms alone. To our surprise support came from some very unexpected places. These few people and their kindness meant more than anything the church could have done. I have changed my focus. Instead of looking for friends/support, I have started doing what Sherry's therapist suggested. Each week I look for someone to give to, expecting nothing in return. I may not develop friendships from this, but it connects me with people in a meaningful way. And then again, just maybe, someday, I will find a friend.
colindove
Remarkably well stated case for those who find friendship a difficulty because of past real face to face relationships, which have been damaging to them! Again and again! There does need to be a balance IN E-MAIL Communication. For instance,online Facebook, as well as hundreds/thousands of Web Sites in which one can be involved, or even addicted are available and easily accessed! A definite time in practising ''speaking'' online with others, participating and answering questions of others needs to be established. We all need diversity, and action on those diversities of work, home-life, friendships outside the home, face to face need real time. This leads to a balance life. It is imperative, and also wise to balance one's day. Self worth and fulfilling friendships are well open to demolition when the Site ends, or folk to whom you have related, poured out your heart to have dismissed you or moved on, perhaps being bored with the relationship, or lack thereof!
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