Honor My Mother and Father?
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[1 Comment]Q. How should I treat my abusive parents?
A. First of all, I'm so sorry for your abuse. Coming from the people who were supposed to love and affirm you, it's damaging beyond words. I applaud your efforts to get to a place where you might be able to show them some honor.
When the Bible instructs us to honor our parents (in Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6:2, among other places), it's guiding us in a God-honoring direction. But these words were not written as a response to an abusive situation.There are times when the Bible provides instruction for specific situations, and times when it instructs through broad principles. It's important to be aware of this distinction.
For example, in 1 Timothy 5:17, the apostle Paul tells us to give double honor to those who preach and teach in the church. Honoring our religious leaders is a principle found throughout Scripture. However, Jesus often spoke critical words to the hypocritical Pharisees. He didn't apply the broad principle of giving double honor to them. Instead, he spoke to the specific situation, knowing the Pharisees weren't owed this elevated treatment. In a similar way, abusive parents aren't owed elevated treatment either.
The broad principle of honoring our parents reminds us of the important work they do. Good parents create a healthy, God-centered culture in their family. It takes a lot of love, energy, creativity, and time, and this work can shape amazing human beings. But it's also important to note that this command doesn't say, "Only honor terrific parents." No parent is perfect and most are doing the best they can. In God's economy, this effort is such a good thing it deserves great honor, especially from the people who benefit from it most-the kids. It's easy for children to take for granted and/or fail to notice the work their parents do.
Still, a lot of damage has been done in the name of obedience, by insisting that abused children ignore their pain and heap false praise on their parents. Abuse is sinful (Deuteronomy 6:6-7, Ephesians 6:4). Having said that, it's possible to acknowledge abuse and discover ways in which you're capable of showing honor to your parents. This will depend on the work you do to heal, the ability of the parent to admit the abuse, as well as the level of abuse. You need to be in Christian counseling. And the healing process might also include developing deep spiritual friendships within which you can tell your story and rebuild trust.
I've watched a number of friends work through this issue. One experienced verbal and emotional abuse that was quite scarring. I've been moved to tears watching her speak kindly and graciously to the parent who inflicted this abuse. It took her years to be able to do so, but she was determined to not let the abuse shape the rest of her life. She learned that forgiveness isn't the same thing as excusing the abuse.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2006, May/June, Vol. 28, Issue 3, Page 38
Related Topics:
Abuse, Childhood, Difficult, Damage, Parents, Difficult, Redemption
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suzie
my father has done the very worst thing that a parent could ever ever do and I am as well an adult who is very competent and intelligent, and i chose to speak out about abuse, and about what he has done to hurt me beyond repair,emotionally speaking and what he has done is petitioned the court to have me declared incapacitated :( and now i am under forced guardianship but there wasn't ever anything at all wrong with me. and i am doing all that i can to prove that what he has done to the one whom he claims to love so much but if he loves me so much as he says that he does why in the world would he want to emotionally kill that part of me? but i know why ,because he thinks only about himself and thinks that he is better then anyone else and what he has done is destroy what was left of our relationship , now he has no daughter but only son and i have no father . he has lied to the courts and that is a big no no., he has betrayed me. under article 4 it states; No one shall be held in slavery or servitude; slavery and the slave trade shall be prohibited in all their forms.
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