What Forgiveness Isn't
I listened quietly as my friend Jamie told me the frank details of the sexual abuse she'd suffered as a child.
"I hate my father!" she blurted out. "He abused me for more than a decade!" Jamie cried. "But my pastor said if I want to heal from my childhood pain, I have to forgive."
"What did you tell your pastor?" I asked.
"I told him I could never forgive my father, that I didn't want to forgive him, that no one—not even God—would expect me to forgive him!"
Jamie told me all the reasons that kept her from forgiving her abusive father. I'd heard many of them before. In fact, I'd used some of them two years earlier, when a friend I'd trusted to keep a confidence told several women in my Sunday school class about a painful circumstance I was going through. I felt betrayed by my friend—as I should have. But forgive her? That was the last thing I wanted to do! I dropped out of the Sunday school class and avoided her at church. But a year later, when I reread what the apostle Paul said about forgiveness, his familiar words touched my heart in a special way: "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:32, my emphasis).
As I meditated on that verse, I knew I'd been forgiven much. I needed to forgive my friend, even if I didn't feel like it. I decided to do so. Later, when I met her and told her I'd forgiven her, she apologized, and we both cried. I wish I could say she and I became good friends again—but I can't. Her betrayal deeply hurt our friendship, and I was careful never to share another confidence with her. But God's Word and my decision to forgive set me free from bitterness.
Facing the Challenge
Jamie and I are just two of a legion of Christian women who've struggled with forgiveness because it's difficult—almost impossible—to do. Yet in Luke 6:37, Jesus says, "Forgive, and you will be forgiven." He elaborates in Matthew 6:14-15: "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." The apostle Paul repeats Jesus' command: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13). Surely Paul's "whatever grievances" covers any kind of hurt, betrayal, or injury another person could inflict!
In talking with hundreds of women about forgiveness, I've discovered six myths that keep us from the healing and freedom God desires for you and me.
Myth 1:
Forgiving means the offender didn't really hurt you. Jamie thought if she forgave her father, it lessened the severity of his abuse. Yet Jamie's forgiveness doesn't deny her father hurt her. In fact, it clearly recognizes the enormity of his evil—if Jamie's dad hadn't deliberately caused her pain, she'd have no reason to forgive him.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2006, July/August, Vol. 28, Issue 4, Page 38
Related Topics:
Choices, forgiveness, Hate, Hurts, Letting Go, moving on
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tam
I need help processing this. I know that I am to forgive. I know that he will never admit to what he did. I know that what he did I didnt cause. Now he lives in my house. I try to care for him but I am becomming bitter. I do not want this to happen. He still makes me feel powerless in other areas. How do I forgive the man who is not reptant? who doesnt seem to care and just keeps taking?
TOWERA
Its really hard to forgive, but in forgiving i have always found peace. I agree that forgiving its really a process and am going through that right now. I thank GOD who has always been there for me and healed my wounded and broken heart.
Jen
Thank you,great article. But how do we forgive ourselves? I, a Christian, divorced my husband, also a Christian for verbal abuse. How can I forgive myself and how can God forgive me for divorcing for such a small (however, continuous) act when others have much more valid reasons for divorce?
andy
Responding to "Jim M" - Jesus asked the Father to forgive His murderers. THEY weren't necessarily repentant, contrite, etc. were they?
Need Help
I'm frustrated. I had a friend who really hurt me, and who felt really hurt by me. I forgave her and she said she forgave me, but now she refuses to talk to me. Should I keep trying to restore the friendship or let it go? It's extremely frustrating because I feel that she doesn't realize how much pain she caused me if she is still nursing a grudge against me. So, I'm trying to figure out what you should do when you've forgiven someone, and they don't seem to really want to forgive you. Continuous, one-sided groveling is hard when both parties were offended. I want to do the right thing, though.
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