When Someone You Love Is Abused
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She could be the mom you always bump into while picking up your kids from school. Or perhaps you see her every week at the gym or during Bible study. She might be sitting a few cubicles down from you at work. She may even be a family member. And whether you recognize it or not, she's experiencing abuse.
Nearly three out of four Americans personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence, according to a 2006 Allstate Foundation poll. Additionally, The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. This number often excludes incidents of sexual, emotional, or economic abuse that go unreported. In most cases, women in these situations either feel too ashamed to expose their abuse or fear telling someone won't make a difference.
Sadly, Christian women aren't exempt from these sobering statistics. The question isn't whether domestic abuse is happening within evangelical circles, but how fervently friends, family, and church members will address it, says Leslie Vernick, author of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship (Harvest House). A Christian therapist in Pennsylvania, for the past 28 years Leslie has counseled women in abusive relationships. Here, Leslie shares how we can recognize abuse in the life of a loved one and most effectively help her find the healing and resources she needs.
What are the signs of abuse we should look for in a woman's life?
The wife of a verbally or emotionally abusive spouse is one whose self-esteem has been diminished by constant criticism, blaming, name-calling, mocking, manipulation, public embarrassment, or humiliation. She may become more withdrawn and isolated under her husband's control. Or she may always seem anxious or uncomfortable, worrying about how her spouse will treat her in front of others or what he'll think of her comments. Essentially she's lost the ability to think for herself or have her own opinions. She's always wondering, Can I say that? Is that okay? She's not free. She's been robbed of her power to choose, which is a basic right God gives every person.
As a result, she functions like a child instead of a grownup. So if you ask her to go to the movies or invite her to a baby shower, it's as if she has to ask permission from her husband to go. This also happens with economic abuse, as a husband either strictly limits the money his wife can receive or withholds it altogether. She may always have to account for the money she spends, or she may never seem to have the money she needs, even for basic necessities like clothing or food.
A victim of physical abuse may always seem to be mak-ing excuses for injuries, such as bruises, dislocated or bro-ken limbs, burns, or even bite marks. She may go out of her way to cover her wounds, wearing long-sleeved clothing in summer or uncharacteristic hats to hide bruises around her face or hair that's been pulled out.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2009, May/June, Vol. 31, Issue 3
Related Topics:
Abuse, Friends, Helping, Hate, Healing, Help, submission
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Rita
Thanks for the good article! Maybe a good follow-up would be tips on recognizing an abuser before getting involved. I read an article once on that subject and it was very helpful. Also, on the topic of violence that may come from strangers, Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear is scary but eye opening and empowering.
Beauty Bogwasi, Aglow Intrnational, Maun Botswana
Wow! What a wonderful resource! I have a young women.s ministry and have been struggling to help some of them who are in abusive relationps. They feel trapped and utterly helpless in their situation to the point where they do not feel the need to share or seek help. Thanks for a wonderful magazine! Beauty
Janet
I have a friend who is in an abusive marriage, it is very frustrating trying to help her sometimes. She gets plans together to leave then if the apt. isn't great or if her kids say something or if her husband puts the dishes away she changes her mind. I know it is difficult to get out of such marriages, i was in a verbally abusive one, so I just keep praying, and listening, and offering help. Thank you for this article reminding me that those are the things I need to do for her especially when I am frustrated and confused because she is more so.
Claudia
Thank you for this article, I was in an abusive marriage and it took a lot of praying and the support of my family and the help of the battered women's shelter in my community. I thank God for taking me out of the bondage of abuse and for the restoration of my soul and the healing in the hearts of my daughters. Reading this article reminds me of what mistakes not to make again. Once again thanks a lot!!!
Davina
Thank you for this article. I hope that girls and women will learn how to avoid destructive relations and leave abusers.
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