My Abusive 'Christian' Marriage
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"Did Daddy do that?" my daughter asked. Lying on the floor in the doorway of her room, I was stunned as I realized my daughter had just witnessed undeniable physical abuse. Tom's* anger had escalated into unrestrained rage, and he'd thrown me into our daughter's bedroom. Con-fused, I began to question my situation: Was I really experiencing domestic violence in my Christian home?
I'd denied the truth so long I was unable to recognize what was really happening. The abuse had started subtly and grown insidiously. My husband and I claimed to be Christians, so how could our marriage be abusive? Unable to give my four-year-old daughter any more excuses, I said, "Yes, Daddy did that." Then I locked us in her room and crawled in bed with her until she fell asleep. That night I resolved to stop the impact of domestic abuse in my daughter's life—a difficult decision that finally pointed me in the direction of healing.
Control Issues
It was inconceivable to me that I'd ever be in such circumstances. Born and raised in a loving pastor's family, I was steeped in conservative evangelical culture. As a "good girl," I got good grades, participated in extra-curricular school activities, and was a leader in the church youth group. I lived to please others, worked hard to offend no one, and had an internal drive to create a wonderful life. Though I had a relationship with Christ, I lived as if the good life depended on my good performance.
I met Tom at the Christian liberal arts college we both attended. He was handsome, intelligent, and interesting—always looking for adventure and fun. His father was a pastor, so we'd been raised in similar Christian cultures. Tom often discussed theology and doctrine, and he cared genuinely about people's salvation. Our wedding was a large, elaborate, God-centered event. I envisioned our marriage to be a shared life of service and impact for God's kingdom. I also believed that if I performed well, my marriage would go well and we'd have a good life together.
Though, looking back, I realized Tom was very self-centered while we were dating, I hadn't seen any red flags about the abuse that was to come. But early on I saw signs that life was going to be very different from what I'd envisioned. After returning from our honeymoon, Tom expected to use the entire closet in our bedroom while I used a closet in another room. He said this was because he'd moved into the apartment first. We went to the bank to put his name on my checks, but he didn't want my name on his. He monitored my purchases, even though I was working full-time and we weren't struggling financially. He was more concerned about controlling what I bought than how much money I spent. If I didn't comply with Tom's expectations or get his permission, he'd become angry and yell. For example, when I purchased drinking glasses and a shower curtain, he raged at me because he'd expected to choose those items himself. I'd eagerly anticipated freely organizing and decorating our home. Instead, I began to adjust to the practice of gaining approval for things such as hanging a picture on the wall.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2009, January/February, Vol. 31, Issue 1, Page 42
Related Topics:
Abuse, Anger, control, Counseling, Domestic violence, Fear, Marriage
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Elle
I have a different problem that no one else has discussed. Both my husband and I are abusive toward each other. It started when he demonstrated qualities I had a hard time respecting (i.e., being rude to the elderly, talking badly about people he was caring for, yelling at me in public over petty issues, etc.). He made me feel horrible when my car broke down and he had to drive me to the same place he was going. He even asked for gas money for his inconvenience, as if I am a burden. He's a Type I diabetic and I have never made him feel badly for helping him all the times I've had to. I started being derogatory towards him because he called me fat and was upset because I hadn't achieved a certain career goal I was aiming for. I grew tired a long time ago with people running over me, but I know I am in the wrong. But I feel I am married to the wrong man. I married him to get out of the sin of living together before marriage. Any suggestions?
Lacy
Should i still move out if he has agreed to go to counciling? I'm also afraid of not having a job. We work together, and i don't have anywhere to go. I'm afraid of loosing my daughter. He has family to help him get custody and i have nothing and no one.
Lacy
My husband is the youth minister of our Christian church. We have been married going on 3 years now. He has always been abusive to me but the last year and a half it has gotten less and less but still happens from time to time. Before we were married it happened more often. We got pregnant and got married. I thought i was doing the right thing but a few months ago we had an argument and he barely pushed me just right and i tripped and dislocated my knee. It was the most painful experience of my life. He imidiately hit his knees as i was laying there screaming and began crying and apologizing. I instantly forgave him because i thought that was it that would be his reality check. Only one friend of mine knows about this. The other day he got in my face and was screaming at me in front of my daughter and grabbed my arms in front of her. She asked me if daddy was mad at me? I just told her not to worry and to go play. I felt so sick. He has agreed to go to counceling with me.
Maggie
*but waited to do so b/c I believed God would change him & that he would want to change. It took me 9 months to realize he wouldn't & wasn't going to change. I finally asked for divorce & started counseling. God is slowly healing me, step by step. The best thing I have discovered is that Jesus loves me NO MATTER WHAT. His love is healing me. If you are in an abusive marriage, THERE IS HOPE. You need to get out first of all, then ask God for healing & seek counseling for healing. Jesus loves His daughters & doesn't want to see them hurt!
Maggie
Reading this was really hard. I was a missionary in South Korea for 2 years, & I'm also a college graduate, a teacher, & I love Jesus. I met my husband (going through a divorce now) online. Meeting people online isn't bad, in my opinion, but it is hard to determine if the person is good or not before meeting them. We talked for 5 months, decided to marry, then I moved to India where he's from & got married to him. It was a BIG MISTAKE. He said he was a pastor, & that he was interested in North Korean missions like me (but he lied about that part). Soon after our marriage, the emotional & mental abuse started. He isolated me eventually, to where I'd only go outside 1 time a week. He got mad if I "talked too much" to my family & friends, though I hadn't been back to America in nearly 2 years. He didn't like me talking to certain people, & especially not men. When we went out, he'd control the money. He wouldn't let me work. When I came back to the US in 2010, I wanted to divorce but wait
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