Kyria

Search by Name

Or use:
advanced search to search by major, region, cost, affiliation, enrollment, & more!

"Did Daddy do that?" my daughter asked. Lying on the floor in the doorway of her room, I was stunned as I realized my daughter had just witnessed undeniable physical abuse. Tom's* anger had escalated into unrestrained rage, and he'd thrown me into our daughter's bedroom. Con-fused, I began to question my situation: Was I really experiencing domestic violence in my Christian home?

I'd denied the truth so long I was unable to recognize what was really happening. The abuse had started subtly and grown insidiously. My husband and I claimed to be Christians, so how could our marriage be abusive? Unable to give my four-year-old daughter any more excuses, I said, "Yes, Daddy did that." Then I locked us in her room and crawled in bed with her until she fell asleep. That night I resolved to stop the impact of domestic abuse in my daughter's life—a difficult decision that finally pointed me in the direction of healing.

Control Issues

It was inconceivable to me that I'd ever be in such circumstances. Born and raised in a loving pastor's family, I was steeped in conservative evangelical culture. As a "good girl," I got good grades, participated in extra-curricular school activities, and was a leader in the church youth group. I lived to please others, worked hard to offend no one, and had an internal drive to create a wonderful life. Though I had a relationship with Christ, I lived as if the good life depended on my good performance.

I met Tom at the Christian liberal arts college we both attended. He was handsome, intelligent, and interesting—always looking for adventure and fun. His father was a pastor, so we'd been raised in similar Christian cultures. Tom often discussed theology and doctrine, and he cared genuinely about people's salvation. Our wedding was a large, elaborate, God-centered event. I envisioned our marriage to be a shared life of service and impact for God's kingdom. I also believed that if I performed well, my marriage would go well and we'd have a good life together.

Though, looking back, I realized Tom was very self-centered while we were dating, I hadn't seen any red flags about the abuse that was to come. But early on I saw signs that life was going to be very different from what I'd envisioned. After returning from our honeymoon, Tom expected to use the entire closet in our bedroom while I used a closet in another room. He said this was because he'd moved into the apartment first. We went to the bank to put his name on my checks, but he didn't want my name on his. He monitored my purchases, even though I was working full-time and we weren't struggling financially. He was more concerned about controlling what I bought than how much money I spent. If I didn't comply with Tom's expectations or get his permission, he'd become angry and yell. For example, when I purchased drinking glasses and a shower curtain, he raged at me because he'd expected to choose those items himself. I'd eagerly anticipated freely organizing and decorating our home. Instead, I began to adjust to the practice of gaining approval for things such as hanging a picture on the wall.

• E-mail this page
• Print this article
• Post a comment
• Share this page

Average User Rating: 

This was an amazingly courageous and moving story. How many "Gwyneths" are out there, suffering alone? We as the church need to stand with these women, as the writer's friends did. This is NOT what God intended in His plan for marriage.

I am 7 months into a very contentious divorce, after finally finding the courage to no longer allow myself to be abused. It's been very difficult, and I don't have family nearby. I've had to redefine "family" for my two children and I. One thing my church family has done well is they finally stopped "preaching reconciliation" to me and simply started loving me. As people, we want to fix things. We want to make things work. But in abusive situations, the emotional turmoil that comes just through the act of leaving is immense, and the additional pressure of feeling that you are somehow "disappointing God" can be overwhelming. Sometimes we, as Christians on the outside, need to leave the "policing" to God, and simply love and support our brothers and sisters... God speaks, even to the broken. When I finally found the support and unconditional love of my church family, I grew stronger, and emotionally found not peace, but a calm. At least one burden had been lifted...

I could really resonate with this. This was my situation as well. The further shame to me was that I trained as a mental health counselor and marriage and family therapist. I was great helping others but not myself. I was so "sick of being single" yet again that I entered into a relationship and discounted the signs. While my (most likely soon to be ex) husband was could talk theology and Scripture, and gave lip service to a good Christian home, it never happened. He had abused his own children many years ago, and on top of that he is bipolar. The verbal insults, physical abuse, and manipulation of Scripture were too much. Him bringing his mentally ill, sex offender son home from a previous marriage home from a shelter against my will was the last straw. A male friend of his tried to hold him accountable many times but to no avail. Until I found my own place, the verbal and physical abuse nearly killed me. It is sad but I am so glad I am out.

Rate & Comment on this article:

Choose star rating:  

Low 1 2 3 4 5 High

Be sure to click SUBMIT when finished

Name: 

1000 character limitComments:

Type these two words:Type what you hear:

I can't readhear these words | Use an audio clip insteadUse an image instead

Service provided by reCAPTCHA

free newsletters

Kyria

Gifted for Leadership

Marriage Partnership

Leadership Weekly

Full Name

E-mail Address

Zip or Postal Code

Subscribe the above checked newsletters.