My Abusive 'Christian' Marriage
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"Did Daddy do that?" my daughter asked. Lying on the floor in the doorway of her room, I was stunned as I realized my daughter had just witnessed undeniable physical abuse. Tom's* anger had escalated into unrestrained rage, and he'd thrown me into our daughter's bedroom. Con-fused, I began to question my situation: Was I really experiencing domestic violence in my Christian home?
I'd denied the truth so long I was unable to recognize what was really happening. The abuse had started subtly and grown insidiously. My husband and I claimed to be Christians, so how could our marriage be abusive? Unable to give my four-year-old daughter any more excuses, I said, "Yes, Daddy did that." Then I locked us in her room and crawled in bed with her until she fell asleep. That night I resolved to stop the impact of domestic abuse in my daughter's life—a difficult decision that finally pointed me in the direction of healing.
Control Issues
It was inconceivable to me that I'd ever be in such circumstances. Born and raised in a loving pastor's family, I was steeped in conservative evangelical culture. As a "good girl," I got good grades, participated in extra-curricular school activities, and was a leader in the church youth group. I lived to please others, worked hard to offend no one, and had an internal drive to create a wonderful life. Though I had a relationship with Christ, I lived as if the good life depended on my good performance.
I met Tom at the Christian liberal arts college we both attended. He was handsome, intelligent, and interesting—always looking for adventure and fun. His father was a pastor, so we'd been raised in similar Christian cultures. Tom often discussed theology and doctrine, and he cared genuinely about people's salvation. Our wedding was a large, elaborate, God-centered event. I envisioned our marriage to be a shared life of service and impact for God's kingdom. I also believed that if I performed well, my marriage would go well and we'd have a good life together.
Though, looking back, I realized Tom was very self-centered while we were dating, I hadn't seen any red flags about the abuse that was to come. But early on I saw signs that life was going to be very different from what I'd envisioned. After returning from our honeymoon, Tom expected to use the entire closet in our bedroom while I used a closet in another room. He said this was because he'd moved into the apartment first. We went to the bank to put his name on my checks, but he didn't want my name on his. He monitored my purchases, even though I was working full-time and we weren't struggling financially. He was more concerned about controlling what I bought than how much money I spent. If I didn't comply with Tom's expectations or get his permission, he'd become angry and yell. For example, when I purchased drinking glasses and a shower curtain, he raged at me because he'd expected to choose those items himself. I'd eagerly anticipated freely organizing and decorating our home. Instead, I began to adjust to the practice of gaining approval for things such as hanging a picture on the wall.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2009, January/February, Vol. 31, Issue 1, Page 42
Related Topics:
Abuse, Anger, control, Counseling, Domestic violence, Fear, Marriage
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Heather
Dear Joe, If the woman put herself under the covering of her pastor, that is a good thing. Maybe she doesn't have a father to do that for her. I married a man I should not have married. I had warnings but didn't listen. If you are an upright man, then you should welcome the opportunity to prove yourself to her pastor. Respect her decision to submit herself to someone who cares for her, because that is the kind of woman you would like to have, a woman who will submit to your loving care for her. Any other attitude shows a disrespect for her, not the pastor. I suppose there could be more to the story, but based on what you said, it sounds like it would be wise of you to honor that young woman, and her pastor.
t
oh my gosh this sounds like my marriage i have been seperated again for 3 wk's..live two years of marriage away as much as in...i am desperatly trying to do the right thing...i feel no hope that this will change and his criminal back ground though we are christians backs it..please keep me in prayer to follow God loudly not the manipulation to come abck..
Denise
thank you it has given me the courage to leave. My husband is a minister and is really abusive.
GAbriel's Trumpet
I feel as though we share the same shoes and our mirror images parallel. This is my life. I praise God that allowed you to walk this path and make a road for me to follow. The Lord delivered me from an abusive marriage to a Pastor. Although I am still constantly bombarded with the tyraids, threats and accusations; I see the hand of God moving in my life and I feel the healing power of Jesus removing these heart scars. I thank you for your words of courage, encouragement, faith and Truth. For truly Jesus did not go to the cross and take captivity captive for us to remain in bondage. Thank you!
Mora
Honestly you are a strong woman. i pray that with this decision you've made that God will in his love grant you peace, bring back your marriage in a restored form and be with you even as you go through life. i do truely feel divorce is not an issue at all for the fact that God is strongly against it. It shall be well with you
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