My Abusive 'Christian' Marriage
"Did Daddy do that?" my daughter asked. Lying on the floor in the doorway of her room, I was stunned as I realized my daughter had just witnessed undeniable physical abuse. Tom's* anger had escalated into unrestrained rage, and he'd thrown me into our daughter's bedroom. Con-fused, I began to question my situation: Was I really experiencing domestic violence in my Christian home?
I'd denied the truth so long I was unable to recognize what was really happening. The abuse had started subtly and grown insidiously. My husband and I claimed to be Christians, so how could our marriage be abusive? Unable to give my four-year-old daughter any more excuses, I said, "Yes, Daddy did that." Then I locked us in her room and crawled in bed with her until she fell asleep. That night I resolved to stop the impact of domestic abuse in my daughter's life—a difficult decision that finally pointed me in the direction of healing.
Control Issues
It was inconceivable to me that I'd ever be in such circumstances. Born and raised in a loving pastor's family, I was steeped in conservative evangelical culture. As a "good girl," I got good grades, participated in extra-curricular school activities, and was a leader in the church youth group. I lived to please others, worked hard to offend no one, and had an internal drive to create a wonderful life. Though I had a relationship with Christ, I lived as if the good life depended on my good performance.
I met Tom at the Christian liberal arts college we both attended. He was handsome, intelligent, and interesting—always looking for adventure and fun. His father was a pastor, so we'd been raised in similar Christian cultures. Tom often discussed theology and doctrine, and he cared genuinely about people's salvation. Our wedding was a large, elaborate, God-centered event. I envisioned our marriage to be a shared life of service and impact for God's kingdom. I also believed that if I performed well, my marriage would go well and we'd have a good life together.
Though, looking back, I realized Tom was very self-centered while we were dating, I hadn't seen any red flags about the abuse that was to come. But early on I saw signs that life was going to be very different from what I'd envisioned. After returning from our honeymoon, Tom expected to use the entire closet in our bedroom while I used a closet in another room. He said this was because he'd moved into the apartment first. We went to the bank to put his name on my checks, but he didn't want my name on his. He monitored my purchases, even though I was working full-time and we weren't struggling financially. He was more concerned about controlling what I bought than how much money I spent. If I didn't comply with Tom's expectations or get his permission, he'd become angry and yell. For example, when I purchased drinking glasses and a shower curtain, he raged at me because he'd expected to choose those items himself. I'd eagerly anticipated freely organizing and decorating our home. Instead, I began to adjust to the practice of gaining approval for things such as hanging a picture on the wall.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2009, January/February, Vol. 31, Issue 1, Page 42
Related Topics:
Abuse, Anger, control, Counseling, Domestic violence, Fear, Marriage
More from Gwyneth Nelson:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to hundreds of other articles for thoughtful, influential women
- The monthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 20 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
downloadable guides
Prayer and Meditation
Cultivating a deeper relationship with God.
Ministering to Working Women
How your women's ministry can better meet the needs of women who work outside the home.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating:
Displaying 1–5 of 248 comments.
See all comments
Renee'
ashamed to say i to feel some relief, I'm not alone i've struggle with this secret of mental and physical abuse in my marriage.I've struggled with God's dislike for divorce if your unsaved husband wants to say. I'm pray that I become strong enough to step out on my faith.
Chris
At last i've found others who have experienced the same as i have, not that i'd wish that on anyone but it can be a lonely place when you are a victim of such mental and physical abuse. The one crucial difference for me is that i'm male and a Christian and it's my wife who's a non-Christian who's been abusive. I've put up with it for about 6 years but thought it was normal to be controlled, screamed at, punched, kicked...i've left the marrital home otherwise i surely would have become mentally ill. The trouble is i struggle with being able to go for divorce because the bible does not teach that God allows for divorce in such circumstances, especially when my wife wants to remain with me. I hope one day i have the strength to do what Gwyneth was able to do and to be be able to move on.
Lorraine Alleln
I read your story and it is not much different from my own. I'm the host of a blog talk show "Sisters building a relationship. I would be honored if you would be my guest. Contact me at minal47b@yahoo.com
amy Chase
I pray this article will save lives and restore many women to the lives of dignity and respect that they deserve.
Anonymous
All marriages have problems and in this time of no money it has gotten worse. You also can blame insurance companies for keeping Gwyn from getting insurance. Insurance companies won't insure women of abuse and will cancel policies. I know my sister paid the premium and her policies were canceled citing a pre existing condition. That is why it is hard for a woman of abuse. If she goes to the police she is in big trouble all around. No insurance, no job, no place to live, no food, no money.
Rate & Comment on this article *