Is My Friend Being Abused?
Even as a trained counselor, Catherine Clark Kroeger wasn't prepared for the startling image she faced during a brief office encounter years ago.
Kroeger was visiting a prestigious university campus, promoting an upcoming conference on domestic violence. While hanging posters in one particular building, a secretary asked Kroeger if she'd wait to be introduced to her boss. A few moments later, the administrator came out of her office. She was educated, intelligent, and held a highly respected job at the university.
She also had two black eyes.
Kroeger looked at her in shock. She and the woman exchanged pleasantries then went their separate ways. Regrettably, Kroeger says she failed to address the obvious personal agony in this accomplished woman's life. She was being abused.
"Later that day I brought back a book on abuse and left it with the secretary to pass along to her boss," Kroeger says. "But I should have asked to speak with the woman in her office. Even when it's coming right at you, it's hard to realize."
Recognizing the Signs
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports that one in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. As the leading cause of injury to women, domestic violence affects not only the woman being abused but the family members and close friends who often suspect their loved one is being mistreated.
As it went for Kroeger, now a seminary professor and coauthor of two books on domestic violence, knowing how to identify and confront the various forms ofabuse, whether physical, emotional, psychological, or even economic, can be very difficult.
To complicate things, abused women often remain in denial for a period of time. "If she's intelligent and confident in other areas of her life, she may think, How could I have gotten myself into this?" says Kroeger. "It's hard to come to grips with it herself."
For family members or friends fearful a loved one may be experiencing abuse, it can be helpful to start taking note of what you observe. At times the most obvious signs can be a woman's demeanor and tone of voice, says Paula Silva, cofounder of Focus Ministries, an Illinois organization formed to help victims of domestic violence.
"If you're somewhere with her, is she always nervous about having to get back home to her husband?" Silva asks. "Does she drop comments about her husband's temper, such as 'You should see my husband when he gets angry' or 'My husband wouldn't let me wear that type of clothing.' Does she never seem to have money to do things or does she always worry about saving a receipt to show her husband how money has been spent?" These kinds of statements demonstrate the husband is trying to control his wife and can indicate that some kind of abuse is occurring.
"Often you can notice how much a woman's demeanor changes when she's with her husband compared to how she is apart from him," Silva says. "She may seem more uptight or even fearful."
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Average User Rating:
ONELUV
This is a very good article, I must admit. I had a newbie friend who would say ramdom little things and would never express herself.i.e. shes depressed and she doesn't know what she would do without her husband. I at the time was with child and i just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time at her house and when i say he scared the pea out of me, HE DID! and told me never to tell her I know he beats her. i was in the car with him and had to go back in the house after i we went down the street and around the corner. Since that day I lost the baby and she never called or really returned phone calls or responded to text messages again. However she did say she was sorry for the loss of my baby which would have been her Godchild. After lets say I recovered from the miscarriage I went to the house to talk and he said she wasnt home twice on different occasions. then I decided to just strike up convo with him so that i could eventually get to her. but he never mentions her.
kamc40
My friend met a new guy and he made her cry which made me mad I told him if he did it again he would have to answer to me. Well he began cussing me out and threatened me with physical violence. I apologized for the miscommunication and tried to explain that I just was trying to be protective of my friend that she had been in a bad relationship before and I just wanted to protect her well for the past year he continually cusses me out via the internet and continually threatens me. I've also heard that he cusses her out and I know that he lies to her and mistreats her. She continues to defend him. I think she is being verbally and emotionally abused by this man and I'm so afraid he is going to at some point physically hurt her and I don't know how to get through to her that she does not deserve to be mistreated. He was very agressive to her and when I asked her about it she said she deserved it.
Barbara Roberts
A good article. Abuse doesn't have to be physical to be abuse. Readers may like to read the resource articles on my site www.notunderbondage.com
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