For Better, For Worse
When I first met Karyn*, her zany humor and spiritual depth drew me in. Even though we're polar opposites—I love hiking and adventure, she likes sitting on the deck and sipping tea—we connected instantly. We talked about everything, especially our families.
Then Karyn's husband, eager for a new beginning, quit his job. Before long, however, it became evident he wasn't actively seeking employment. He stayed up late at night, watching endless hours of television, then slept long into the day. Soon he withdrew from friends, family, and Karyn, even refusing to go to church with her. The harder Karyn tried to help—begging him to visit a counselor, highlighting possible employment ads, asking him to reconnect with church friends—the more her husband resisted.
I was in unfamiliar territory as a friend. Angered by how Karyn's husband treated her, I offered opinions instead of listened to her. As her marriage spiraled downhill, our conversations grew more stilted. Not wanting to add to Karyn's pain, I carefully sidestepped the topic of my healthy marriage.
Overwhelmed by life, Karyn isolated herself from her close friends. As the barriers between us seemed to loom larger, I made the mistake of letting our friendship slip away just when she needed me most.
One day, while I prayed for Karyn, tears streaming down my face, God reminded me that while I couldn't mend Karyn's marriage, I could love her through the hard times. I realized I needed to search for gentle, creative, practical ways to support her in the midst of her crisis, instead of wait for her to ask me for help. That's what being committed to our friendship—for better, for worse—meant.
Unsure where to begin, I contacted a few friends who'd also experienced the pain of an unhappy marriage. Their advice started me on the right path.
1. Provide comfort.
Whether it's chocolate, a hug, a kind word, or time for a nap, small comforts remind your friend she's not alone in her time of need. Treat her to lunch. Babysit her children for a few hours to allow her personal time. Whip up her favorite dessert. Send her a photo of you two with a personal inscription. Buy her a gift certificate for a massage, or join her for a pedicure or manicure.
I knew Karyn loves candles and solitude, so I filled a small gift bag with tea lights, soothing bath beads, and lotion. Inside I placed a fun card I'd signed, "I miss you." When I dropped by her workplace and handed her the gift, she gave me a warm hug. We talked for a few minutes, and then I left. Those moments were a start to restoring our friendship.
When the husband of my friend Cheryl became addicted to alcohol, Cheryl was so busy caring for her children that she had no time left to care for herself.
Then one day, while she and her college-aged son stood in line at McDonald's, he put his arms around her tightly and asked, "When was the last time someone who truly loves you hugged you?" To this day Cheryl remembers the power of her son's hug and caring words.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2008, March/April, Vol. 30, Issue 2, Page 50
Related Topics:
Comfort, Counseling, Difficulties, Divorce, Friendship, Marriage, Support
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Dianne
Great article ... wish my 'Christian girlfriends' (?) would read this ... as my marriage is falling apart ... they avoid me like the "plague"! Why is that?? To: FAVOUR (above) ... Do you sons a favour ... and get out of that abusive relationship. You have no idea the trauma and future illnesses and hardships your sons will have to deal with ... how do I know? I came from a very violent alcoholic family, and now at 55 years of age the Depression and emotional dysfunction still torments me. Years of therapy, husband who has "had it" with my illnesses and wants "out". Take your boys and get out of that situation NOW!!
favour
God bless u ma! this is God sent am in a marriage that i wish i was'nt my husband beats the hell out of me when he likes, am filled with fear cos he has tretened to kill me several times. the children are not left out of this our sons aged 3 and 8 are afraid of their father thanks so much for hope.
Anonymous
I really agree with the above comment. I think your message about how things "often don't" get better is misguided.
Just Me
Have we forgotten that all things are possible with Christ. Every marriage can be healed. Every sin forgiven. Jesus has given us only ONE reason for divorce. Let's not forget that. We are called to serve Christ. As christians, we are not gaurenteed an easy life on this earth. We must take up our cross. Christ died a brutal death for our sins......surely we can do everything in our power to help and encourge one another to STAY in our marriages. (and yes of course if there is abuse we need to remove ourselves for safety). But NOT divorce. I have seen God heal/change marrigaes that no one thought would ever be restored. What man can't do, God can. And he promises us he will when we turn to him. So when the alcoholic/drug addict/abuser/etc...turns to God, they WILL be renewed. But this may take many years. We don't know. Our job is to trust in God and the timing is his not ours. Our eternal reward is in heaven. Let's help each other fight Satan and rejoice in the Lord.
TruthSeeker
Great article. Thank you. This note is for Olivia and Sister in trouble...............I hope you have come back here to read further replies......you need to get help immediately!! Olivia, that is dangerous territory, especially involving your daughter. He needs help now. You knwo what is going on, and she could get hurt, you need to stop it before it becomes more than just "love letters".PLEASE! Sis in trouble, your sister needs to get out of there NOW!! No question about it. The abuse won't stop unless she leaves. SHe has to protect her children, more than anything. I will pray for you both.
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