When a Friend Hurts
"If there's anything I can do … " I heard these words repeatedly three years ago on that rainy day when we buried our 29-day-old baby boy, Christopher. Most people who said them acted so awkwardly, I felt as though I had to cheer them up.
But others were more at ease. One friend, Anne, quietly shared how she was encouraged by our reliance on God during Christopher's battle with a serious congenital heart defect. Another friend, Pam, e-mailed me, "I planted some violas for Christopher today, just outside my kitchen window." While neither gesture was extravagant or profound, both shone some light on a very dark day.
Why do some people seem to know what to say to someone in pain, while the rest of us flounder? The reality is, being close to someone who's heartbroken is difficult. We don't want to compound her pain by saying the wrong thing, yet we earnestly desire to help lessen her suffering, just like Jesus, who came to "comfort all who mourn" (Isaiah 61:2). When our heart breaks for someone else, we reflect God's sadness. How can we also reflect God's comfort? First we need to understand what comforting does—and doesn't—involve.
Comforting Isn't Explaining God's Will
When Judy's eight-year-old son, Kyle, was hospitalized with a life-threatening infection, a close relative wrote her to say God was punishing her for not attending church. Needless to say, the letter did little to encourage Judy.
The need to explain people's suffering is natural. Even Jesus was asked, "Who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" (John 9:2). Jesus replied that things aren't always so straightforward. In this case, the man's blindness was so "the work of God might be displayed in his life" (John 9:3). My friend Melissa confessed that when she first heard of Christopher's illness, she believed it was a result of my husband's previous involvement with role-playing games. But when she gave birth to a stillborn son a year later, she apologized for judging us.
Comforting Isn't Fixing the Problem
When Judith lost her daughter two weeks before her due date, many people assured her, "At least you know you can get pregnant." Marilyn, who lost her son when she was 21 weeks pregnant, was likewise told, "At least you have children at home." And my husband, who's a pediatrician, often heard, "Think of what a better physician you'll be after having such a sick child." Trying to cheer people by telling them the character-building benefits of their suffering does little to comfort them. Those "benefits" can never compensate for the loss someone feels when a loved one dies.
Comforting Is Making Yourself Available
To comfort a friend is to focus on her feelings, not yours. Once we recognize we're helpless to explain the problem or to fix it, we can concentrate instead on meeting our friend's needs as best we can, perhaps in the following ways:
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2000, November/December, Vol. 22, Issue 6, Page 68
Related Topics:
Comfort, Friendship, Grief, Listening, pain, Suffering
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Average User Rating:
kim
What do you do when you have tried to "be there" for your friend and she pushes you away and tells you she grieves in private and that you are smothering her? I am so hurt.It has been a year and a half since we've talked,her loss was 2 and a half years ago. I feel like such a failure. 5 stars
earthangelch
I am new to your site and enjoy the daily encouragements very much.This article drew my attention, as I'm not the friend, I am the one grieving. Your article spoke mostly of children, which I can only imagine that pain. I am a 56 yr old woman, who went through 35 years of emotional and physical abuse. God sent me my 'soulmate', I was at first leary of this man. Why was he being so nice and why did he want to raise my 6 yr old son? Well, I finally realized our souls were one. We looked forward to our son leaving home, having his family, having our time, retirement, just us. Then 13 years into our relationship, he was taken from me with Leukemnia. I went into such a spiral dark place. It has taken me 7 yrs now to come out of it. Still hurt, still empty, and nothing to look forward to. My body is ravished with Lupus, so I can't go out side. I am in remission as long as I stay inside. Where or what would you tell me? I have 1 friend. 1 brother, and son went to drugs.
Anonymous
I am blessed by this article at least I now know what say and do. Thank you, Joan
ILW
Today is a first month anniversary of my husband's death. It came unexpectedly after a long journey of heart problems. Still the emotional outweighs the the reality sometimes. I knew this day would come. After giving comfort to others for the last nearly 50 years, now in a new community , I soon became the recipient of the seed that I had sown to others in ministry. Each thing you mentioned is so vital of giving encouragement to the one who is so needy. It also has been a way of me sharing with my neighbors what God has done to carry me through the trauma of this situation. I can already see how God is using me as a broken vessel to help someone else to know that God cares for them, too. Thank you for this appropriate article for today. Facing a wedding anniversary tomorrow alone will help me to help others as I become the vessel to be poured out in my community. His grace is sufficient.
Kathi
You are right that sometimes people don't know how to respond to your pain. The key is being there. And as years have passed, and I have experienced some very painful times in my life, I have found that I can be more sympathetic, and have a better knowledge of what to do and what to say. But considering your friend's feelings of pain is so important. After miscarrying my last baby, at age 42, an older woman I knew told me "You're too old to have another baby anyway!" That was NOT what I needed at the time. But my pastor's wife, who miscarried her first, knew just what to say, feeling my loss, and sharing tears with me. I thank the Lord that He has given me those times of loss and pain, that I might be a friend to others in need, with words of encouragement and sympathy. And another thought: everyone grieves in their own way--don't judge your friends because of the manner in which they grieve. Just let them know you love them, are praying for them to the Healer of all pain
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