My Son's a Cyber-Spud

How can I limit his time online?

Lisa Whelchel

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Dear Lisa,

My teenage son spends way too much time on the Internet instant-messaging his friends. Although we monitor the sites he visits (and have protective software on his computer), I'm worried he's spending so much time online that he's missing out on other activities. Any suggestions?

Welcome to teen years in the 21st century! For our parents, it was our hours on the telephone. I wonder what conversation conduit the next generation will use. Whatever it is, the reason's always the same—relationship. And how can you build friendships without talking? This focus on friends is one telltale sign your son's growing up.

But just because it's natural for your kid to want to spend hours talking with his friends doesn't mean it can't become an unhealthy habit. Inordinate amounts of time devoted to any one thing, at the exclusion of other activities, is cause for concern.

Coincidentally, my husband and I recently had this exact conversation one morning over coffee. It seemed every time I looked up, our daughter was either checking her e-mail or posting comments on her online school bulletin boards. So we came up with a plan to limit her computer use. Our daughter may use the computer for 30 minutes each day after all her schoolwork's completed. She earns extra computer time for every 30 minutes of additional reading.

Here are a few other computer rules at our house. We have the computer in a common open area. Even though we've installed strict protective software, our kids know Dad checks the history and "cookie" files periodically. Occasionally, out of the blue, I'll even ask to read some of our kids' old e-mails. Yeah, I know, parents are supposed to respect their children's privacy. But that doesn't mean blindly granting them the freedom to stray into dangerous territory without monitoring them and being able to rescue them if necessary.

Bedroom Mess Distress

My 16-year-old kid's room is a pigsty! Our daughter leaves clothes, CDs, empty soda cans, makeup, and hair products everywhere. She's always dashing off to the next social activity or her part-time job, and never seems to "have the time" to tidy up. Is the state of her room a battle worth waging, or am I majoring on the minors?

That would depend on whether you or your husband has a strong military background! Joking aside, if you feel your daughter's room reflects her overall self-discipline, you probably should go with the gut instinct that tells you an orderly room is good practice for an ordered life.

But if you feel as though you're already arguing with her all day long about movies, friends, boys, and even bigger issues, then I suggest you leave the responsibility for the state of your daughter's room up to her. Not that you can't influence her choice. Think of a privilege you'd be inclined to grant her anyway—such as the use of your car, a later curfew, or taxi service—and make it conditional upon the cleanliness of her room. Linking that particular privilege with the state of her room leaves the choice of whether to tidy up or not to her. "Mom, can you run me over to the mall to meet my friends?"

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Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2003, July/August, Vol. 25, Issue 4, Page 20

Related Topics:
Clean Room, Computer Usage, Internet, Self-esteem, Teasing, Tidiness, Time Online

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