From Victims to Victors
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As I was sitting in my doctor's office waiting to hear my name called, I noticed a headline on the November 30, 2009, edition of Time Magazine that immediately drew me into the cover story. It was titled "The Case Against Overparenting." The cover image showed a child suspended by strings like a marionette, and within the article was another picture of a well-intentioned mother wrapping her son in bubble-wrap as he prepares to go off on some adventure.
Many of us are overparenting our kids. As a nation, we are postmodern and increasingly void of moral absolutes. Whatever I say/believe about myself, life, and others is fine as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. We have money, time, information, and technology at our disposal. Parents feel like taxi drivers, appointment keepers, money trees, and therapists these days as they are desperately trying to be all, and give all to their kids. Many parents are living under the belief that their children should not be exposed to struggle or experience pain.
The Time article used a term that I believe was first coined by Foster Cline and Jim Fay and used in their excellent book Parenting with Love and Logic about 20 years ago. "Helicopter pilot parents" are parents who hover over their children, living to protect and serve their children at the first sign of need or want. Our sincere desire to completely protect our children is profoundly impacting their social, emotional, physical, spiritual, and intellectual growth. Children of helicopter pilot parents do not grow up to understand accountability. They are not resilient and often act as if they are entitled to everything they desire, even when they clearly are not. When it comes to our response to bullying, I believe many parents, administrators, and politicians are dealing with the issue like "helicopter pilot parents."
As a school counselor, I have noticed that bullying is a constant topic of discussion among many parents, a few teachers, and (due to the rash of anti-bullying laws) all school administrators. Bullying has been on the forefront of the American psyche since the Columbine tragedy. News media thoroughly cover the stories of students who are victims of bullying. In some cases, bullying contributes to suicide victims' feelings of hopelessness and despair—and authorities have even pursued criminal charges for bullies. My heart goes out to the families and friends who grieve these tragic losses.
However, I will contend that our collective response to these tragedies is out of proportion when applied to kids in general. Instead of treating all kids like victims of bullying and begging bullies to be nice, we need to build up and equip the targets of bullying. These are the people who want things to change. These are the pupils who are teachable. We need to start by backing off the "helicopter pilot" style and giving students tools to deal with people who are mean to them. When these tools are used correctly, bullying will cease and we will have socially competent, confident, and resilient young people living their lives.
Related Topics:
Bullying, Education, parenting, School violence
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Shari Lynne @ www.faithfilledfoodformoms.com
Fantastic article! We have seven children and have taught them to stick up for themselves! It's a hard thing to do when we just want them to be kind hearted and love everyone..but they must learn not to be bullyed AND more important they must learn not to let bullying happen to others. We have taught them that it is there responsibilty to defend the defenseless. Thank for this great article..it's right on:) Blessings!
Meredith
I spent a portion of my youth as the only white kid in school, seriously the ONLY one in school. Were there some bullying issues going on ? You bet there were! Was I teased ? Mocked? Sworn at? Involved in physical fights? Yes again. I don't believe the author is advocating turning a blind eye to bullies but rather pointing out that external rules rarely do much to change the situation. I was blessed with parents who knew when to be involved and when not to be. When my mom told me to "say no and mean it" i.e. be willing to stick up for yourself, it changed my experience. When you teach your kids to fight their own battles they cease to be a target, I know I did. Raising kids that stand up for themselves and others creates a culture that doesn't put up with bullies. No one wants to see a child hurt, esp. their own. common sense in reporting/telling is key.However, let's not stunt our kids growth by fighting their battles. You need to fall down at times to know you can stand back up.
Trevor Simpson
Anonymous, My sincere condolences for the loss of a student in your church due to suicide. A tragedy no words can clearly describe. My prayers are with you and your church community. In regards to your comment on bullying being the reason for tragedies like this, I have to take issue. There is no doubt that individuals that struggle with self-injury and suicidal ideations/follow-through often share a common theme of bullying. However, if what you say is true, all students that are bullied would struggle with self-injury and suicide, and that is simply not the case. When we hear terrible stories like Phoebe Prince, Tyler Clementi and others that choose to end their life that have a theme of bullying in them and we want to stop that from ever happening. I would maintain that there is more to the story in these cases than just bullying. That is exactly why I advocate for building up and equipping targets to deal with their aggressors in a way that takes power away from the bully and builds up the coping skills and resiliency of the target. It's developing an internal locus of control versus and external locus of control. That is, I have the gifts, resources and resolve to not be brought down by the words and behavior of another. I don't disagree with parents being more involved in the lives of their teen, however, I believe parents and educators need to be intentional in how they support their child and how they are involved. That is why I am such an advocate for the Parenting with Love and Logic theory. Note: I don't get a penny from them to plug their resource. I hope this clarifies your concern. I am thankful for you passion to post.
Anonymous
"Bullying has never made anybody hurt themselves..." WRONG! The news is filled with situations where bullied students have committed suicide - not to mention all the kids who habitually mutilate themselves ("cutters") in a misguided attempt to control their pain. All those of us working in church and/or school settings know of at least one person in a similar situation. We had a funeral for a young girl from church just last week (suicide.) This is a SERIOUS issue and parents SHOULD be involved along with the school authorities and in some cases, with local police. Equipping our children is a good start but they must be also be supported by the school, their family, and local government as well. Parents being more involved in their childrens' lives (and not less) would be helpful - especially in regards to monitoring bullying via email, Facebook, texting, etc. If your child is bullied in such a way consider saving copies of everything so that if verbal abuse escalates to physical violence you will have evidence for the authorities. Believe me they will ask for it.
jean
This is a great article, but obviously this is a complicated issue. All of our kids were teased/bullied at some point. In some cases teaching coping strategies was enough, in other cases it was not. I think there might be one more option that can be useful. Many times the parents of the bully may not be aware of their child's behavior and can help stop the bullying. When one daughter was bullied daily by three other girls we tried teaching her to cope, but it was 3 against one. We went to the teachers and prinicipal but they did nothing. (Later we found out they did not intervene because all of the girls were daughters of teachers or a school board member.) This bullying went on for months. I finally met with the mother of one girl (the "ringleader")and she was appalled. Her first question was,"Why didn't the school tell me?" She spoke with her daughter and the bullying stopped. From then on the girls became not friends, but "friendly".
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