Four Minutes of Life
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"What do you mean our baby doesn't have a brain? How is that possible?" I asked as I lay on the examining room table with my bare, protruding abdomen exposed. The room spun and tears stung my eyes as I peered at the ultrasound screen.
My husband, Mike, our two little boys, and I had waited all month for this doctor appointment. The boys were excited to see their new unborn brother for the first time and hear his swishing heartbeat. Now that I was six months pregnant, he had grown enough that we could see all his tiny body parts.
I had shivered when the doctor spread the cold gel on my skin and moved the tiny probe around my belly. "Here are his little legs. See them?" He pointed at the body parts and let the boys climb closer to the monitor. "See his head here?" Then, while he moved the probe, he grew silent.
I sat up on the table and asked, "What's wrong?"
He asked the nurse to find stickers for the boys. I encouraged them to go with her and they left the room. My hands trembled as I waited.
Once they were out of the room, the doctor said, "Do you see his head here?" He pointed to the screen. "The top part of the head is missing. Your baby has anencephaly—which means he never developed a brain."
"I don't understand," I said.
"Three weeks after conception, a flat strip of tissue along the back of a fetus rolls up to form a tube. The tube develops into the spinal cord, and at one end, the brain. Think of it as a zipper. This neural tube zips up as fast as we zip a zipper. Unfortunately, one little notch didn't close. If the zipper doesn't close all the way, the brain never forms."
"Isn't there anything we can do to close that zipper?"
"No. There never is."
"How will our baby live without a brain?"
The doctor hesitated. "He won't. Many are stillborn. Some live after birth for a few minutes, but there's nothing you can do."
I held the sides of my abdomen and cried. "But he kicks all the time and I've taken my vitamins and eaten healthy foods." I reached for Mike's hand.
The doctor handed me a box of tissues. "There's nothing you've done wrong. You didn't cause this problem, nor could you have prevented it. It's a genetic disposition."
"What will he look like when he's born?" Mike asked.
"He'll look normal except for the sunken top of his head. It'll be open and hollow where the brain would have been."
I couldn't talk. Mike held me as his tear-filled eyes searched to comfort mine.
"What do we do now?" Mike asked.
"We can schedule an appointment for you to deliver the baby next week. We'll induce labor and abort the baby so you won't have to carry it for the remaining term." He put his hand on my shoulder, and said, "I'm sorry."
I don't remember getting up from the examining table or walking out the door to go home. Mike explained the baby's condition to the boys. Our six-year-old asked, "Why can't the doctor operate and give him a new brain?"
Related Topics:
death, child, Grief, Loss
More from Melinda Weidenbenner, as told to Michelle Weidenbenner:
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Michael St. Germain
Excellent writing! God Bless!
Nancy10n
Interesting that this article popped up today of all days. My son, Josiah, died four days after his birth - 10 years ago on Dec. 2nd, 2001. Some of you wonder how a mother can go on after such a loss. Well, the days just keep coming, one after another and, in time, healing begins. I can honestly say now (with lots of time and God's grace) that I wouldn't change his short life in order to keep him here with me. God has used his precious life to change who I am deep inside--in ways that can come no other way than through loss. The night of sorrow can be long, dark and excruciating, but joy does come with the morning. New life grows again. I'm praying for all you ladies out there who have lost a little one. Hugs.
Rebecca Parrott
I can't imagine the heartbreak. Tears filled my eyes as I read this story. I had 13 weeks bedrest, and my precious son was just born October 28th. When he cries in the middle of the night for yet another feeding, I will hold him in my arms and treasure him for the gift that he is, my precious gift from God. My heart breaks for Melinda and her family, yet I admire her for what had to be a heart wrenching decision to carry him to term. She is a wonderful woman, and a blessed mother. I pray that God will continue to comfort her and her family. And I know that God has one more wonderful angel in Heaven. His name is Zane.
Tina Slaymaker
I could not stop the tears as I read each word. I don't no if I could go through that and be able to even get out of bed each day. You are a brave, wonderful Christen. God is so good to us. I will pray for you and your family. I just reached out to God 2 years ago. And I was asking God today why my Dear friend Wendi couldn't have children, yet I see babies born drugs in there little system, mothers not caring. Throwing them out like trash. And there was your story. (Real life story,) I needed to see something from God today, and here you are. Thank You SO SO Very Much, I am truely sorry for the pain your heart felt, and still feels. God Bless You, and your Family.
Kristi
Thank you for this beautifully written experience. I had tears streaming down my face for every sentence. Every word you wrote resonated in my heart and brought up moments during my own pregnancy this past year. We were also expecting our third son but had to give him back to Jesus just moments after he was born. He was born without kidneys. Our story mirrors your own in many ways; we were also given the option of an early abortion but decided to leave our son's birthday in God's hands. We prayed fervently for a miracle, but God chose to honor us by allowing him to grow in me so he could fulfill his purpose in heaven. My arms ache to hold my "9-month old", which is how hold he would be on December 3rd. Our stories tell of devastating loss, there are many like ours, yet I am comforted to know someone understands my pain and I know someday I will see my son again. May God bless you greatly for sharing your story. From one mommy to another... our hearts are connected through the miles.
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