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Right now, both of my older sons are mad at me—one because I grounded him for coming home late and the other because I made him vacuum the living room carpet twice (he missed a few, make that many, spots). He says I treat him like Cinderella.

I admit, I have been pretty negative toward my sons lately. As much as I want to say something positive to them, sometimes I honestly can’t think of anything. Disregarding curfew and shoddy vacuuming aren’t at the top of my list of "things to praise my kids for."

But I realize that even kids who exhibit irresponsible behavior need to be encouraged.

Author and speaker Dr. Howard Hendricks says, "When a child lives with parents who believe in her, she instinctively holds a higher view of herself." Research supports this. One well-known study revealed that when teachers have a positive perception of their students, those students score higher on IQ tests, even if their abilities are no different from those of their peers. In another study, research showed that juvenile delinquents who had been conditioned by excessive criticism couldn’t even recognize praise when it was offered.

It’s easy to commend a child when he brings home straight A’s, does his chores with a smile and asks for second helpings of Brussels sprouts. But let’s face it: sometimes kids are moody, stubborn or lazy. While there are plenty of times when our kids shine, there are also times when they fail miserably. And that’s when parents have to reach deep inside and get inventive in order to find a reason to affirm their children.

So how can we create a climate of praise when our children don’t always seem very praiseworthy? We can start by looking at the example set by God. "All of us are undeserving, yet God still values us," says marriage and family counselor David Ferreira, Ph.D. "Even if a child isn’t performing well or has a poor attitude, we can still let him know that he’s valuable in God’s eyes and in ours."

Here are some ways to do just that.

Get Specific

Phrases like "good job" or "nice going" are fine, but they have limited impact because they’re too vague. Specific communication is always more effective, says educator Kathy Koch. Praise that’s specific also affects future behavior. Not only will your child feel encouraged, he’ll also understand what he did well and will likely build on that.

Eight-year-old Elisa is one of those unique kids who likes a clean room, an organized desk and a bed that’s made. She’s also constantly on the lookout for jobs she can do around the house. It’s praise-worthy stuff, yet Elisa’s mom is so used to her daughter’s behavior, she sometimes forgets to acknowledge it.

One night at bedtime, however, she sat down with Elisa and said, "I want you to know how much I admire you for the way you take care of your room and for how hard you work. You have the heart of a servant, and I think God’s going to use you in a wonderful way someday." For Elisa, these words not only acknowledged the work she was doing well, they also encouraged her to continue using her skills in the future.

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