Whose Child Is That?
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[0 Comment]Where are my keys?" my teenaged son yelled as he stormed through the house. "They've got to be somewhere!" As he flung newspapers across the living room, he fumed with increasing drama: "They don't just walk away! Has anybody seen my keys?!"
Of course, I tried to help: "I'm sure they're somewhere. Just calm down. Throwing a fit isn't going to make them show up any faster." But inwardly, I cringed as I watched his performance—he was acting just like me!
My daughter has tried to capitalize on this concept of "acting just like Mom." Fully aware of her mother's tarnished driving record, my daughter once asked an officer giving her a speeding ticket, "Instead of pleading guilty, could I just claim 'heredity' as my defense?"
In all seriousness, these situations always put me in a quandary. As I see a behavior in my kids that needs to be corrected—like tantrums or speeding—feelings of hypocrisy surface. I wonder how to handle the situation—knowing full well I've modeled the behavior.
I know I'm to "train up a child in the way he should go" and "not withhold discipline from a child" (Proverbs 22:6; 23:13). But I feel guilty when I remember that in Ephesians 6:4 we're told not to "exasperate (our) children …" Do I exasperate my children with the double standard of "it's okay for me, but not for you"?
How do we as parents respond when our children imitate sinful behaviors they've seen in us? After 20 humbling years of parenting, I've discovered some insights that help me sort through my struggles in this area. Here are five strategies I use when I see my children living out my mess-ups:
1. I admit my own fault. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed …" Confess to my children? Well, maybe not all my sins, but certainly ones that we both deal with are appropriate. I find myself saying things like, "It's obvious you have seen me slam doors, but that doesn't make it right," or to my teenage driver, "I know I have a lead foot, but we both need to obey the speed limit." In doing this, my kids see that when it comes to sin, we're on level ground before God. As I admit my own faults, I assure them that I regret my actions. Then I remind my kids that they need to ask God's forgiveness, just as I do. It's my desire that talking about the confession and forgiveness process in my own life will set the proper example for my kids.
2. I hold Jesus up as their example. If your children are like mine, they're perceptive and very honest. I remember being rather critical of a sales clerk while shopping with my son. My grumbling comments must have made a (bad!) impression on my 11-year-old. Several days later at the mall, my son began making judgmental comments about other shoppers. As I attempted to rein in his negativity, he was quick to remind me that I, too, had been guilty of criticizing others. He was right, and it prompted a great lesson about how Jesus loves and extends grace toward all people. I reminded my son that although I try to imitate Christ's loving behavior, he should be looking to Jesus Christ as his example—not me. That doesn't give me an "out" or an excuse to continue behaving badly, but points them toward the true standard to live by. It also humbly reminds me of whom I should be imitating.
Originally published in: Christian Parenting Today, Page 26
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