When Children Grieve
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[0 Comment]"Kayley and John," my husband began, "your mom and I have something to tell you. We went to the doctor today to see if everything was okay with the baby " He took a deep breath as four big blue eyes watched him closely.
"Guys," he said gently, "the baby died."
Just hours before, a doctor had told us the baby I'd been carrying for five months had died. All afternoon I worried about how we would tell our two older kids. My grief was intensified knowing how sad they would be, especially our 7-year-old daughter, who had prayed earnestly that I would conceive this baby.
"It's okay to cry, Sweetie," I said to her, as the flood of tears began.
Grief. It's hard enough for grownups to deal with, but when our kids' hearts break, the load seems unbearable. Adults know that death, pain and loss are inevitable. But how do we explain that to our kids?
Although death is generally the most painful form of loss, we grieve hundreds of "little" losses throughout our lives. Families move, parents get divorced, a beloved pet dies, a big sister goes to college and a child grieves. These events may not be equally traumatic, but each loss is significant in the eyes of a child. Though we can't prevent loss, there are things we can do to help our kids bear the load and even grow stronger because of it.
prepare now for future losses
When my 5-year-old asks if he will die, my first impulse is to tell him not to talk that way. But I wouldn't be doing him any favors if I pretended that death isn't a reality.
In Helping Kids through Tough Times (Standard), Doris Sanford writes, "The spiritual and emotional growth available for children after a death is a result of facing the pain, not avoiding it." Even if your children haven't experienced grief yet, look for opportunities to talk about loss and death. Children's books, television shows, even current events can open doors to helpful conversation. By discussing these issues with your children, you let them know that no subject is off limits. Then, when a loss does occur in your child's life, you'll have already begun to prepare her for a healthy grief process.
In John 16:33, Jesus tells us trouble in this world is inevitable. Rather than trying to keep our children's lives pain-free, we are wiser to lay a strong spiritual foundation before crisis strikes.
When Nancy, a 56-year-old mother of three, was 13, her mother died suddenly of a brain aneurysm.
"I am so thankful for the time my mom invested in helping me memorize Scripture," she says.
Deuteronomy 6:7 reinforces the need to share God's commandments with our families: "Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."
Help your children memorize verses they can use to fight life's battles later on.
Originally published in: Christian Parenting Today, Page 30
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