Rules that Work
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[0 Comment]Recently, my 2-year-old daughter, Hannah, was with me in a discount department store when she decided she had to have a Barbie doll. I said no. She cried and screamed, and guess what I did? I bought her the doll. Big mistake.
Like most parents, I have wonderful intentions of negotiating with my children when they beg for things such as Barbie dolls. And, like most parents, I occasionally do something I wish I hadn'tsuch as give in to a screaming toddler. Those are the times I'm re-minded how valuable it is to have a family contract.
My dad is Gary Smalley, who is widely known for the Love is a Decision seminars he presents across the country and on video. While my family wasn't perfect, I had the benefit of growing up in a home that was filled with love. My brothers and I knew the importance of valuing and caring for each family member. Even Dad, the "expert", wasn't immune from needing to relearn this lesson.
Take "the flick," for example. Dad had this habit of snapping his finger against our heads to get our attention or to show he was displeased with our behaviorthe flick, we called it. My brothers and I hated the flick and decided we wanted Dad to stop. My brother Michael agreed to take the first step. "We all met," Michael informed Dad, "and we don't like it."
There was one overriding principle in our family. Everyone was to be valued as a person and treated with respect. Mom and Dad taught us: "Love each other, and that means be kind to each other."
So Michael told Dad, "Not only do we not like it when you flick us, but we also don't feel valued or respected."
Dad didn't take long to think about it. "You're right," he said, "and I won't do it anymore."
We knew Dad would keep his word. After all, we had a contract.
Sign on the Dotted Line
My parents introduced us to the idea of a family contract when I was quite young. The contract was a list of behaviors that we all agreed on and a list of consequences for misbehavior. Once we had a contract written out, we'd sign our names and post it where we could all see it. So, when my dad agreed to stop flicking us, we added it to the contract. Since Dad had to have a consequence if he flicked anybody again, it was agreed he would have to pay the "flickee" one dollar.
As you can imagine, my brothers and I were ready to catch Dad in any infraction of the flicking agreement. Not long after we agreed to the penalty, someone came to our front door selling candy. Michael answered the door and wanted to buy some candy. He ran to our father and cried, "Flick me, Dad; I need a dollar!"
It became a standing joke. Whenever we needed money, we'd say, "Flick me, Dad." I don't think Dad ever did it again.
More Than Rules
I didn't know it then, but through the family contracts, my parents were creatively instilling their values in us. The contracts were based on Jesus' teaching that one of the most important things God requires of us is that we love one another. My parents asked themselves, "What kind of home will we have if we give priority to loving one another? How will that play out in how we relate to each other?" The answers to those questions formed the basis for the terms of our contracts.
Originally published in: Christian Parenting Today, Page 28
More from Kari Smalley Gibson, with Stanley C. Baldwin:
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