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"He threw his cereal at me!"
"He pushed me!"
"I did not!"

I was in the shower, hurrying to get ready for a busy day. Hammering on the bathroom door were my then 10-year-old twins, Andrew and Russell.

"Just a minute," I shouted, reaching for a towel. Scuffling sounds punctuated the continuing litany of accusations. "Here we go again!" I grumbled through clenched teeth as I pulled on my robe, ready for battle.

Then I laughed. For a moment, I’d forgotten I was to speak that morning to a young mothers’ group on the topic of sibling conflict and rivalry. But I wasn’t sure I could practice what I was about to preach. Even today, after 30 years of raising children, I find handling sibling conflict one of the most difficult areas of parenting.

We have nine children, ages 11-30, and if there’s one thing I know it’s that brothers and sisters will fight over anything, from who gets the last piece of cake to who gets to sit in the front seat of the car. Can parents change this or are we doomed to be dragged through the mud of an endless sibling tug-of-war until the kids go to college?

Experts offer hope mixed with a dose of reality. Some things, such as the temperament and genetic make-up of each child, are beyond a parent’s control. However, studies have shown parenting style to be a key factor in determining the way children in a family relate to each other.

Here are some ideas I’ve acquired from other parents, picked up from experts, or learned the hard way myself.

Run a Reconnaissance

Removing sources of irritation will go a long way toward restoring peace in your home. Conduct a personal in-house survey to determine when your kids have the most problems with each other. Is it that terrible hour before dinner? Most children get a little grouchy when they’re hungry. Do what one friend of mine did: serve an appetizer course such as fruit slices, veggies with dip or something equally nutritious and fun to eat to stave off starvation—and fighting—until the meal is ready.

Tiredness could be another reason your kids are at each other’s throats. Maybe the younger one needs 40 winks or the older ones need some time alone. Maybe Mom needs a break, too. I’ve only known two children (neither of them mine) to answer "yes" when asked if they would like to take a nap. But taking a break doesn’t have to mean sleep. Institute a quiet time when everyone goes to (and stays in) his or her respective room for at least an hour. This might sound impossible, but I’ve found that if quiet time becomes a family routine that is set in stone, it will eventually work. Most of my children stopped taking naps around age 3, but they had to spend an hour a day in their rooms regardless—how they spent it was their choice. Everyone (especially Mom) benefited from the enforced solitude and was much more agreeable with the others after a time apart.

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