Sibling Rivalry

Here's how to call a truce to your kids' squabbling

Susan Alexander Yates

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"She always gets to have a friend over, and I never do!"

"They won't let me play with them. They leave me out!"

"It's not fair! Why are you punishing me when it was her fault?"

If these scenes sound familiar, you're not alone. Sibling rivalry's as old as the Old Testament account of Cain and Abel (Genesis 4)—and families experience its frustrations every day.

Here are some tools not only to keep your kids from driving you and each other crazy, but to help them learn to become friends.

The Early Years (Ages 1-10)

Now's the time your children's character begins to develop. That's why you'll find yourself intervening a lot during this parenting era. Think of yourself as a coach who's training your kids in the fundamentals of getting along. Try these practical tips to make this stage easier:

Prepare for a new baby.

Once you know you're expecting, start giving your older child a positive vision of the kind of brother he'll be. For example, tell him, "Our new baby's so fortunate to have you for a big brother."

As the mom of five, every time I had another baby, I'd wrap a gift for each child at home and put it in the trunk of our car. When I came home from the hospital, new baby in tow, these gifts came home, too—as the new baby's gift to each sibling. With each gift was a note that said, "I'm so glad you're my big sister or brother!"

With each new child, my husband and I also prayed a special prayer with our kids, asking God to help us learn to be good parents, brothers, and sisters.

Plan for your "big kids."

Older siblings often misbehave when Mom's caring for a new baby. So try this approach: Fill a plastic box with markers, stickers, and other creative tools, and keep it in a specific place. Your "big boy" or "big girl" box can come out for play when you're nursing or in the middle of a diaper change. Another approach to offset jealousy is to plan "dates" with your older kids—without the baby. Get a babysitter and take a trip to the movies or an ice cream shop.

Promote sharing.

That argument over who gets to sit next to the window on a three-minute car ride can begin a war! One of my friends solved this dilemma by assigning one child the odd-numbered days, the other the even days. On a child's assigned day, he got first choice at everything all day long. (If you have more than two children, assign one child every third or fourth day.)

We do our kids a disservice when we satisfy all their needs immediately. Siblings are a blessing because they force us to teach our kids to wait their turn and to share.

Teach respect.

Don't ever permit verbal abuse. All kids try it—but don't put up with it. When our kids talked back to us or verbally abused each other, we washed their mouths out with yucky tasting soap. Another friend uses white vinegar. Whatever you choose, make it swift and be consistent. A child who's allowed to get away with verbal abuse will develop into a teen who talks back to parents and teachers, and a spouse who verbally abuses his wife and kids. Teach your kids to argue fairly instead of resorting to these kinds of attacks.

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Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2000, May/June, Vol. 22, Issue 3, Page 32

Related Topics:
Children, Family, forgiveness, parenting, Respect, Rivalry, Sharing, Siblings

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