Parents with a Past
I looked into the antique jar full of seashells my family and I had gathered on our vacations, and tried to ignore the nudging I felt from God. I held in my hand pieces of sea glass my children, my husband, and I had collected on our recent visit to Glass Beach. Nearly a century ago, this rocky shore served as the city dump. But today, herds of people comb the sand and rocks for sea glass. After much refinement in the ocean, these broken pieces of old glass garbage have become sought-after stones that sparkle like jewels in the surf.
As I placed this onetime trash into the jar, I felt God speaking to me about the "garbage" of my life—my past sins.
"I can use those transgressions now," he seemed to tell me. "Just as the sea has refined this glass, I've shaped and refined your mistakes into valuable gems for you to share with other people."
Specifically, I felt the Lord prompting me to tell my teenage daughters about the costly blunders I'd made when I was their age.
But the suggestion wasn't appealing to me. I didn't want to confess my past to them.
What I Was Hiding
My adolescence—and my husband's—was dark and dangerous compared to my children's coming-of-age years. My girls planned to be virgins on their wedding nights. They wore purity rings and at their youth groups had signed contracts with God not to have sex before marriage. While I knew my kids might not be able to hold to such ideal aspirations, I prayed they would. And so far, they were untainted by promiscuity, alcohol and drugs, or raunchy movies.
In contrast, my husband and I had watched every vulgar movie Hollywood made. During our teens we went to parties, got drunk, tried drugs. Because we weren't Christians, we never thought we were doing anything bad.
I'd been somewhat open with our kids about that period of our lives, so they already knew their proper Christian mother had a past. But they didn't know details. They didn't know that I had friends who'd died in drunk-driving accidents. That I'd driven drunk many times myself. My daughters didn't know that I'd taken friends to get abortions. Or that their grandpa had kicked me out of his house when I was 18 because he'd caught me sleeping with my boyfriend—their dad.
The lessons from those years were painful. I'd learned boyfriends love girls less after they put out, not more as the boys promise. That drunken bashes leave the partygoer feeling sick and empty the next morning. That drugs harm the body, but not nearly as much as they harm the soul.
Of course, I didn't want my daughters to suffer the scars of such sinful choices. But since my girls showed no signs of such perilous behavior, why would I need to share my old sins?
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2008, July/August, Vol. 30, Issue 4, Page 26
Related Topics:
Alcoholism, Compassion, Daughters, forgiveness, Redemption, Teens
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Linda
I have always been honest with my boys about my past. It has kept the door open to honest and frank conversation over the years. My past gives me the ability to tell them that living in sin can seem fun for a season, but in reality has many pitfalls and causes more trials. Though I'm absolutely not proud of my past, I am so thankful that the Lord can use it through me to help my sons and others through those difficult teen years.
Hesed
Am not a parent yet but i kinda feel really scared having to share my past with people that look upto me like my kids.Its abit hard,ok very hard sharing with my friends when i know that i really need to and so i imagine how i'd with my children. However,my mother did a good job talking about her past while I was like 16 and it really saw me through 2 very difficult years of growing up. Its good to share just like the Bible says,share your burdens one with another
Me
I am having real issues with this article and the one about 'Walk the Talk' - in both cases - it has been described that the person was not a Christian as a teen. You know what? We are ALL sinners! And even those of us that are Christians and HAVE BEEN Christians our WHOLE lives - still make terrible mistakes. I think it is way too easy to say that they 'didn't know' and that they 'weren't Christian' - almost like - that's why they did what they did. Really sets us up. It makes me sad to think that we are still pigeon-holing. TCW - be a better example!
Nicole
Hey, when I was a teen my mom did this with me, but you know the sad thing is that it didn't help at all! It probably made things worse. I was not even having sex at the time, and when I did start I justified it with " my mom and dad did, and he's a preacher now." He's is forgiven now, and a very Godly man. It wasn't until I was 17 that the Lord really got a hold of my heart and I made the decision to follow him. That's the ONLY thing that can help I think. Yes I am trying to raise my children to serve God, my husband is a pastor, but when it comes to sharing my past with them, I don't think that I will. Unless God really makes it evedent to me that that's what He wants me to do. I see your point, but in my experence, it really didn't save me any greif from a past that I am truely ashamed of, but forgiven from!
Martha
Wouldn't you say that the bottom line is to follow the Lord's leading? If you feel that He's telling you to share with them there is a reason. Don't wait for them to ask. I wish my mother had shared her past with me. I believe if she had discussed these issues with me in my teens and taken the time to pray with me, not just for me, that I could have avoided loosing my virginity prior to marriage. And we were both raised in solid Christian homes.
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