Promises, Promises

Success in marriage depends on more than mere words

Bryan Chapell

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Just a few weeks after Kathy and I were married, we had one of the worst arguments of our lives. I can't remember now what all the fighting was about. But I do remember hours of discussion, the mounds of tear-drying tissues on the bed and finally Kathy's question: "If we have these kinds of differences between us, is our marriage over?"

Then I did a stupid thing. I laughed—not just a little laugh, but a deep, long, side-splitting roar. Probably it was just a pendulum-swing response away from all the tension of our disagreement. But to me, Kathy's question was hilarious because the thought had never entered my mind. I loved my wife more than I could express. I wanted to spend a lifetime with her. And I had promised God that I would love her no matter what. The idea that one argument could undo us just struck me as bizarre.

Laughing in her face when your wife is dead serious isn't usually a good idea. But my laughter gave Kathy a sense of how secure she really was in our relationship. She realized she'd be free, in the future, to bring up problems we needed to discuss. Maybe these kinds of discussions aren't the most pleasant, but dealing with problem spots has made our marriage stronger and sweeter. And our commitment to one another is what gave us that freedom.

Committed Beyond Words

Couples all start out saying the right things: "I love you. This is forever. I'll never forsake you." And when they say those things, they aren't lying. No one plans to run into trouble or to have a miserable life.

But speaking those words doesn't do the work of knitting two lives together. Words alone can't be depended on—they are just too slippery. For some spouses, "forever" actually means "for a real long time." For others, "till death parts us" means "until our affections die." For some the promise to stay united "in sickness and in health" means "as long as you don't make me too miserable for too long and the problems we face are not your fault."

It's a challenge to define the nature of the type of love that lasts. Words can't adequately express this eternal love, much less secure it. The apostle John says it's not enough to love with lip service; we've got to love "with actions and in truth" (1 John 3:18). And he points to an example of a person whose actions always modeled love: "This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us" (v. 16).

The love that secures a marriage must be sacrificial—and that's the heart of commitment to another person. The satisfaction of our own needs and desires can't be the primary reason we get married or stay married. Instead, each spouse's actions need to have an "other" focus. There's no room for manipulation, intimidation or deceit for personal benefit. The amazing mystery of human happiness is that the greatest love grows where self is served the least.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Fall

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