The Truth about Love
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When at age 16 David Ferguson and Teresa Carpenter decided they wanted to get married, they gave their parents an ultimatum: "Sign the consent form or we'll elope to Kansas." Their parents signed the form.
The morning after their wedding, one of David's buddies knocked on their motel room door; he wanted David to shoot some pool. So the newly married teenager left his sleeping bride without any clue as to where he went. Teresa woke up alone and walked to her parents' house, crying.
In his book The Great Commandment Principle (Tyndale), David writes, "Somehow Teresa and I survived that rocky beginning. But I had communicated through my behavior that she was not the only thing in my life—and not even the most important thing. Without the tools to deal with such deep insensitivity and selfishness on my part, Teresa buried her pain, and we simply carried on with life."
The chasm between them deepened as David first went off to college, then entered the ministry. Teresa dedicated herself to their children, and they both took care of everyone's needs but each other's. One night after years of increasing emotional distance, David asked Teresa if she loved him. Teresa said only that she felt "numb."
Though her response stunned David, it wasn't until he preached a sermon on Jesus' suffering and aloneness that he discovered what was missing in their marriage: Great Commandment Love. He describes it as "the application of the command to love the Lord with all of our heart and then to love our neighbors, beginning with our spouse. This is the critical component to experiencing the blessing of marriage as God intended." For the past 15 years, the Fergusons have worked through Intimate Life Ministries to help other couples avoid the trap of loneliness in their marriages.
How does Great Commandment Love improve marriages?
Teresa: I call it "in spite of" love. It means reaching out to your mate in spite of the hurt and anger you may feel and not letting that hinder your love. It's a good picture of God's unconditional love. He continues to reach out to us in spite of our actions.
That type of love doesn't come easily. How can couples be that selfless?
David: It involves the regular discipline of experiencing Romans 12:15: "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." So we might stop daily—at breakfast or when lying in bed at night—to reflect on something positive that happened that day. And then rejoice together about it.
And we ask each other if there's been a disappointment or something hurtful that day. If so, we connect by "mourning" those experiences together. That's what the Bible means by "it is not good for the man to be alone" (Gen. 2:18). We don't need to rejoice alone, and we don't need to mourn or hurt alone.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Summer
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