Affairs of the Mind

Why romantic brain candy isn't all that sweet.

by Linda LaMar Jewell

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The tall, handsome man looks deeply into my eyes. My skin tingles as he pulls me toward him and gently lifts my chin. He leans down to kiss me ….

"Whoa, stop!" I tell myself, "This is a fantasy."

After gaining so much ground in the battle to stop destructive romantic fantasies, I'm surprised how easily I can allow my thoughts to drift from reality.

My mind is in turmoil with conflicting thoughts: Go on! What happens next?

Real life happens next.

Birthplace of a fantasy

Sexual fantasies can be addictive and lead to dissatisfaction. I give my "dream man" all positives and no negatives—then compare my husband unfavorably with an unrealistic portrait of another man. When I hold my husband to unrealistic expectations, I can easily become disappointed and discontented with the way he expresses love.

What are you thinking?
Almost three out of four Marriage Partnership readers have fantasized about someone other than their spouse.
Studies show that people who fantasize about someone other than their spouse are seven times more likely to commit adultery than those who haven’t fantasized.

Christian counselor, sex therapist, and author of For Women Only: God's Design for Female Sexuality and Intimacy, Dr. Shay Roop says, "Many times women believe their expectations are far beyond their husbands' abilities and never explore those expectations with their spouse. Better communication regarding romantic or sexual needs can reduce frustration and go a long way to increasing real, not fantasized, intimacy."

I began indulging in romantic fantasies during my teen years. Throughout high school, fodder for fantasies ranged from the local star basketball player to Elvis. As a young woman and then a young wife, I continued to fantasize about local heroes and movie stars.

I didn't intentionally set out to fantasize about someone other than my husband or to dishonor him. But when we'd hit tough stretches in our marriage—when I felt my husband didn't meet my emotional needs, when I felt he didn't give me affectionate hugs, attention when I needed it, or acceptance instead of criticism—I found it easier and more comforting to escape into a world I could control. One where my fantasy man did what I wanted, how and when I wanted.

I used to rationalize my fantasies by telling myself I wasn't hurting anyone, no one knew, and it wasn't as if I were having a physical affair.

But the more I fantasized, the more critical I grew of my flesh and blood husband—after all, he wasn't perfect like my fantasy men. Soon, we shared less time together; to escape each other he watched more TV in the basement and I read more novels in the living room. We laughed together less and drifted apart emotionally and physically.

Eight years into our marriage, I became a Christian.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2006, Winter, Page 52

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