The List That Saved My Marriage
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The day had come. I'd lasted as long as I could in my marriage. Once my husband, Bill, left for work, I packed a bag for myself and our 14-month-old son and left our home. It was the only year in our married life when we lived in the same town as my parents. Obviously the convenience of being able to run to Mom and Dad made my decision to leave Bill easier.
With a tear-stained, angry face, I walked into Mom's kitchen. She held the baby while I sobbed my declaration of independence. A washcloth and cup of coffee later, Mom told me she and Dad would help me. I was comforted to know they'd be there for me.
"But before you leave Bill," she said, "I have one task for you to complete."
Mom put down my sleeping son, took a sheet of paper and pen, and drew a vertical line down the middle of the page. She told me to list in the left column all the things Bill did that made him impossible to live with. As I looked at the dividing line, I thought she'd then tell me to list all his good qualities on the right hand side. I was determined to have a longer list of bad qualities on the left. This is going to be easy, I thought. My pen started immediately to scribble down the left column.
Bill never picked his clothes off the floor. He never told me when he was going outside. He slept in church. He had embarrassing, nasty habits such as blowing his nose or belching at the dinner table. He never bought me nice presents. He refused to match his clothes. He was tight with money. He wouldn't help with the housework. He didn't talk with me.
The list went on and on until I'd filled the page. I certainly had more than enough evidence to prove that no woman would be able to live with this man.
Smugly I said, "Now I guess you're going to ask me to list all Bill's good qualities on the right side."
"No," she said. "I already know Bill's good qualities. Instead, for each item on the left side, I want you to write how you respond. What do you do?"
This was even tougher than listing his good qualities. I'd been thinking about Bill's few, good qualities I could list. I hadn't considered thinking about myself. I knew Mom wasn't going to let me get by without completing her assignment. So I had to start writing.
I'd pout, cry, and get angry. I'd be embarrassed to be with him. I'd act like a "martyr." I'd wish I'd married someone else. I'd give him the silent treatment. I'd feel I was too good for him. The list seemed endless.
When I reached the bottom of the page, Mom picked up the paper and went to the drawer. She took scissors and cut the paper down the vertical line. Taking the left column, she wadded it in her hand and tossed it into the trash. Then she handed me the right column.
"Becky," she said, "take this list back to your house. Spend today reflecting on these things in your life. Pray about them. I'll keep the baby until this afternoon. If you sincerely do what I ask and still want to leave Bill, Dad and I will do all we can to assist you."
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2005, Fall
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Kody
Our pastor shared this in our Sunday School class yesterday. I thank God for this article, for Becky and our pastor and his wife. My husband and I wanted to have Christ-centered marriage and read a lot of marriage building books and attended seminars.One of the things we learned was NOT to go to our families when we have marital problems but go to the Lord first and if need be, a godly counsel. (leave and cleave) But in your case, Becky's case, she is very blessed to have such a wonderful mother to direct her to pray about the list. Just like any other couple, my husband and I have had some tough times in the past, but having Christ in the center of our marriage and surrounded by believers who are willing to walk alongside with us, such as our Sunday School teacher and his wife constantly lift us up in prayers and teach us in His way, our marriage has become strong. I pray for those who are struggling to look to the cross and be surrounded by strong believers.
erick appau
may God bless
Anonymous
I thank God for this article. It brought tears to my eyes and reminded me of my vows for better and for worse. I know how I sometimes get frustrated and annoyed by my husbands little unbecoming habit e.g dozing on the couch and leaving the TV on for long hours, he could have been sleeping on someone elses bed. when I leave him with the baby I find the baby dirty in the same clothes but fed and happily playing with him, he could have refused to be left with her. I appreciate him more and more he is a faithful wonderful man who provides for all his family needs and I do not have to think about any bills in the home. I have vowed to be more appreciative than critical of him. God bless you for this list.
Laura
Very nice, it gave me a lot to think about. One question though: why do you keep saying God and not using his name? Jehovah.
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