Whatever Happened to the Full-Service Marriage?

In today's self-serve world, more and more people are longing for good service.

Alicia Howe

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In today's self-serve world, more and more people are longing for good service. My husband, Dan, and I are no different. We've been married more than 30 years, and we're still working out what it really means to serve each other.

One of the bigger issues in our marriage has been The Great Dry-Cleaning Controversy. Most of my clothes are washable. Most of my husband's have to be dry-cleaned. For some reason, he thinks I should drop off and pick up the dry cleaning even though 99 percent of it is his! For years, on mornings when we were both getting ready for work, he would say, "Could you stop by the dry cleaners today?" For a while I did it—really, really grudgingly. Then one day I said, "I almost never have anything in the dry cleaning pile. Why am I the one taking responsibility for it?"

So we had The Discussion. Basically his answer to my question was, "You go past the shop more than I do" (which I do), "your schedule is more flexible" (which it is), "and I would really, really like not to have to worry about the dry cleaning. I guess I'm just asking you if you would do this for me."

Inside me, a voice was saying, "Like I don't have enough on my mind? Like I'm not busy?"

To this day—and it has been years since we had The Discussion—I don't fully understand why my husband is so averse to handling the dry cleaning. It's one of the few enduring mysteries of our marriage. But I still take care of it. Why? Because the few minutes it takes me isn't worth causing a strain in our relationship. Does Dan take it for granted that I make time to drop off and pick up the dry cleaning? Maybe. Is it worth an argument or simmering resentment? No way. And when I'm the one who is rushed and need Dan to do something for me, including picking up the dry cleaning, will he do it for me? Absolutely.

The Great Dry-Cleaning Controversy has been resolved by what may seem like me "giving in." But giving in is a far cry from being trampled underfoot. Servanthood does not automatically involve a disregard for our own needs. Continually choosing to meet the needs of others at the expense of our own is neither a healthy nor a spiritually sound way to live. Telling your spouse you can't attend her company's annual picnic the day before your big work project is due isn't being an uncaring partner, it's accepting the limitations of time and energy. Taking the time for an exercise class isn't being selfish, it's being sensible about your health. Asking your spouse to handle a household task that's normally "yours" when you're overbooked isn't being demanding, it's communicating a legitimate need for help.

Much of life is a juggling act. Dan might need help this week, but it won't be long before I'll be the one who needs extra assistance. Here are a few tactics that can help keep servanthood a central part of our relationships.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1996, Fall

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