Different By Design
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[0 Comment]People have been observing the differences between men and women for centuries, and some have recently taken to compiling lists of their observations. One list I came across, likely compiled by a group of first grade girls, highlights some of these distinctions:
- Girls are more better than boys.
- Girls chew with their mouths closed.
- Girls don't pick their noses.
- Girls don't smell as bad.
- Girls are more smarter.
- Girls shave more.
Not to be outdone, one anonymous male came up with a list of advantages to being a man:
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- You can quietly enjoy a ride from the passenger's seat.
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
We all laugh at the gender differences, but there's more truth in both lists than we'd like to admit. Men and women really are different from one another in so many ways. Some differences, even most, seem rather trivial, but these "trivial" differences have at times ignited conflicts that escalate into all-out warfare and even divorce.
The stakes raise substantially when we try to answer the question, "When do you feel loved?" One researcher, Dr. John Gray, attempted to answer that most basic of questions from the male and female perspectives. He identified twelve ways men and women desire to be loved, and the lists for men and women are radically different. He said that though men and women respond at some level to the types of love on each others' lists, the primary needs expressed by the two sexes are not the same. His conclusions differ sharply from much of what is being written about marriage today by secular authors. But they sound surprisingly similar to advice given to men and women thousands of years before survey methodologies and therapists appeared on the scene.
Ephesians 5:28-29 says, "Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church" (nasb). And Ephesians 5:22, 33 says, "Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord … The wife must see to it that she respects her husband" (nasb).
These texts simply say that men feel loved when they're respected, and women feel loved when they're cared for. So God gave husbands and wives two different lists of commands. Each one, if followed, will help to meet the unique emotional needs of the opposite sex. A servant-heart is the foundation for both lists, the call to serve each other in love.
How a Husband Can Say, "I Love You"
To live out the high calling of a husband, men must assume the role of a servant-leader. Just as Jesus takes responsibility for the needs of the church, so the husband is to take responsibility for the needs of the home. In saying this, we're also acknowledging the husband's responsibility to exercise initiative. If things at home are not as they should be, men, it's your responsibility to get the ball rolling. When our relationship with God was estranged, Jesus took the initiative by landing in our world. We're told to follow his example.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2002, Summer
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