Soulful Connections
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Although I'm not keen on stereotypes, I can't help noticing how women and men gravitate toward certain gender outlooks. For instance, consider men's and women's TV watching preferences. While I stubbornly cling to the hope that my wife, Valerie, will eventually be captured by the magic of ESPN (Da Bears!) and give up her pathetic addiction to HGTV ("all for under $500!"), the reality is we continue to be a two television family. We are not the same. I'm guessing that before the ink is dry on the marriage license most couples discover a gender gap or two in their relationship.
But of all the possible gaps between husbands and wives there's no difference more puzzling to me than how women and men approach spirituality. Here's a scenario Valerie and I have experienced a dozen times: We're with a group of married couples when the topic of spirituality comes up. Someone, usually a woman, mentions the importance of spiritual intimacy in a strong marriage.
The difference in response to the words spiritual intimacy is nearly polar. The women become alert. They hone in on the topic with a kind of female soul radar. Immediately they become engaged. The men's response? Suddenly even the most verbal among them becomes passive and quiet. If they're willing to make eye contact at all, they're reminiscent of a deer caught in the headlights just before an accident. Perspiration beads on foreheads, arms cross, tongues become mute and stay mute until the topic changes.
What's up with that? How could those two little words, spiritual intimacy, evoke such different responses—anxiety in husbands, and longing in wives?
I've come to believe that these respective responses are rooted in wives' sense of disappointment and husbands' sense of inadequacy. I don't think spiritual intimacy was suppose to have that effect—to divide and separate us. What are we doing wrong?
Perhaps this divide reflects some false assumptions. Myths about spiritual intimacy that appear to promote closeness, in actuality may be driving Christian husbands and wives away from each other. Consider this: if we could debunk these myths, we'd undoubtedly discover that spiritual intimacy is one of the best perks God offers married couples.
Couples who travel together spiritually discover an amazing truth—experiencing spiritual intimacy makes everything better. Life is less overwhelming, sex is better, stress becomes more manageable, and problems (which will always exist in some form) are more apt to be tackled as a team. Spiritually intimate couples discover they have more in common on the soul level than any division the gender gap creates on the surface of their lives.
But how do we get that close? Most couples realize that skimming the surface of each other's lives won't connect them spiritually. Somehow the souls must become engaged. So what exactly is this soul engagement called spiritual intimacy? Our definition: Spiritual intimacy is the satisfying connectedness that occurs when a husband and wife learn to access God and experience him together on the deepest levels. Notice the absence of a checklist, 10-step process, devotional to-do list, or self-assessment tool. Putting it simply, spiritual intimacy is about relationship—a three-way relationship that's in process of growing together as each spouse grows closer to God.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Fall
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Mary Brown(Registered User)
Sarah: I wouldn't expect there to be a link between your perceived lack of spiritual intimacy and physical intimacy when you both have strong devotional lives personally and in separate small groups. Once a month isn't enough for most people, but there are exceptions and your husband may be one. You might pray about how to best approach the subject with him. "Why?" probably isn't the best question to ask. Try gently letting him know of your needs and see if he would be willing to work with you on a compromise of some kind. Be sure to have any discussion when neither of you is tired, hungry or upset. I will pray for you.
Mary Brown(Registered User)
CM: Pray about it and love your man where he is. Pray for your attitude to stay good and your relationship to thrive, as well as for your husband. Leave him and the situation in God's hands and see what He does with it. I have had good experience with this way of "working on" my husband. It works much better than nagging, teaching, or any other tactic to try to change my spouse, mainly because when I pray God works on me. When I am better, my marriage is better. My husband doesn't want to change and is resistant to my suggestions that he needs to. He hears God more readily. He could also remind me I'm not perfect, either. Too true. God bless.
Mary Brown(Registered User)
Unmet expectations are the biggest cause of discontent. Marriage is a huge example of this principle, and spiritual development in the relationship is no exception. Thank you, Steve, for some great ideas about seeing God where we are, and taking time to go where we feel closer to him. Spiritual intimacy is as easy as sharing where I see God with my mate at the time, at the end of the day, or whenever I remember while we're together. Bottom line: we will see what we are looking for: fault or God at work.
cm
This is a wonderful and eye-opening article! I have a wonderful, loving, Godly husband and this encourages me not to push so hard and have unrealistic expectations. I am definitely going to look at spiritual intimacy in new ways. My only concern is that my husband is not a regular church attendee and I miss that spiritual connection or bond between us. At one time he was actively involved in church, but got turned off for some reason. I miss us going to church together. Any suggestions or comments on how to handle that?
PW
This is cool water in a thirty land! I can soooo relate with this article. I have a wonderful christian husband,who pushes back on shared devotions. We are kinda of where Sarah is now, which left me so frustrated. I feel better knowing I'm not alone in this walk, and that there are other ways to be spiritually intimate.
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