Is God Calling Us Both?

I wanted to share a ministry.

Simon Presland

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I wanted to share a ministry.

Gary's side:

When Barb and I were first married, she was always the life of the party. She was bold, determined, and she really seemed to know what she wanted. When we became Christians seven years into our marriage, I thought that God's pronouncement that "the two shall become one" included sharing the same church activities.

Although I'd only heard Barb sing at home, I assumed that her outgoing personality, combined with my love for music, made music ministry a perfect fit for both of us. As I thought about us singing together in the choir, it seemed obvious that we both belonged in this couple-suited ministry. But the more I tried to show Barb the benefits of signing up, the more distant she became. She always seemed to be preoccupied with other things, and she avoided eye contact with me. I stopped asking how she felt about the ministry after she answered me one day by screaming, "Will you quit pushing me!"

After that, Barb found other interests. She started burying herself in books and Bibles and listening to different sermons and teaching tapes. But when I offered my point of view about what she was doing, she would get upset. I watched, confused, as the emotional walls between us grew higher. Trying to comfort Barb with a hug was like holding a block of ice. She may have responded physically, but her emotions were worlds away. For weeks, even the limited conversation that we held had icicles hanging all over it.

He was trying to control me.

Barb's side:

Before becoming a Christian, I was afraid to show my real self to others. My boldness was a facade that I used to hide my insecurities behind. Born to laugh, Gary's ability to carry on a conversation with anyone always made me feel at ease with him.

After I became a Christian, though, God started showing me who I really was. No longer driven by the need to please people, I learned that I didn't really like crowds or big parties. Besides this, God gave me a hunger to study the Bible. I spent hours reading it, digging into reference books, and listening to teaching tapes. In a recurring dream I saw myself standing in front of people, teaching them from the Bible. When I shared this with Gary, he wasn't enthused. That hurt me.

Gary's mind was set on us ministering together. He tried convincing me that music ministry was best for both of us. When I told him I wasn't interested, he suddenly entered my world. He flipped through my notes, read my books, and shared his opinions about them with me.

I felt like Gary was trying to control me. Inside, I was seething with resentment, so I froze Gary out of my life. Since he worked a swing shift, I found all kinds of ways to avoid him. I often thought of saying something to Gary, but every time I tried, the words would get stuck in my throat.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2000, Winter

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