Testing Our Vows
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[1 Comment]I have to go. I have a meeting." My husband, Dave, shuffled across the floor to pack his dust-covered briefcase.
"Dave," I called softly, "you don't have a meeting. You're on medical leave, remember?"
This was our weekly conversation Dave's first year of being disabled by chronic Lyme Disease. Dave was my best friend; he was the first to know my thoughts. And even though we have different interests, we were always able to communicate on a deep level. But slowly that all changed.
Dave's Lyme went undiagnosed for 15 years. It began in college when he had a four-month-long "flu-like illness," which sometimes marks the beginning of this tick-borne disease. Tiny deer ticks, which transmit Lyme Disease, can be found in the woods, in grassy areas, on park benches, and sometimes in backyards.
Over the years, Dave began to have headaches, dizziness, chemical sensitivities, joint pain, fatigue, depression, memory problems, and confusion. While physicians thought his symptoms were strange, no one discovered the cause until the symptoms progressed. Finally, Dave's illness forced him to leave his position as children's pastor at our church. That was four years ago.
One day when we were driving back from the doctor, Dave asked me what I was thinking. I told him how I was learning to rely on God and not my circumstances, though I desperately wanted circumstances I could rely on. Then I asked what he was thinking.
"The grass is green. It's a nice green."
Then he added, "I don't have deep thoughts anymore." These weren't the words of someone who didn't want to be intimate. He did—yet he comprehended his loss.
A wave of intense isolation came over me. God, why is this happening? I prayed.
The world felt upside down, as though something was missing.
What was happening?
"It was good of you to come," Dave told me one night. "Where are you staying?" His memory had reverted back to our dating days. I spent the next hour telling him where we live, that we're married and have two beautiful children.
His response: "When did you get glasses?"
I finally went to bed exhausted, praying he'd be okay if he was awake without me.
"God," I cried, "What are your intentions toward Dave?" I prayed as I always did, "Take him home to you or bring him home to me—but don't let him continue this way."
That night, God distinctly asked me, "Merry, what are your intentions toward Dave? What will you do if nothing changes?"
"I will love him," I told God.
And then reality struck: Dave might remain as he was indefinitely.
I became frantic. God, how can we live this way? Everything in me cried, I can't face this!
What were my options? Separation. Divorce. Death. Complete emotional shut-down. But every option would only compound the suffering for Dave and our children. I was trapped, suffocating. Everywhere I turned there was only pain. My emotions, even more than our circumstances, became my worst enemy.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Fall
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MA. Amelia Villoso
if God will ask me what our situation will not change? God with all my strength may You help me to still accept my husband. I love him for You let me feel this. And we've preayed for each other as Your children help us to remain in Your presence and help us t trust You whatever circumstances. Thank You LORD JESUS CHRIST!!!
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