What Does It Do for Me?
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[0 Comment]On a "Seinfeld" rerun I watched tonight, Jerry and a girlfriend, played by Courteney Cox, pretend to be married in order to get a discount on dry cleaning. Afterwards, in the coffee shop, they toast each other with orange juice.
"To my beautiful wife."
"To my adoring husband."
"Adoring? What about handsome?"
"I like adoring."
"Adoring's good for you, but what does it do for me?"
None of the characters on that show ever found a relationship that lasted. I'm not sure if the writers meant to make such a profound point, but it comes through in almost every episode: People who live by "What does it do for me?" are revealed as shallow, self-absorbed, and comically pathetic.
Twenty years ago this June, Lauren and I vowed to love each other for the rest of our lives. As starry-eyed lovers barely out of our teens, we eagerly promised to comfort and encourage each other, to cherish and serve each other. No problem. Those early years together, we couldn't wait to serve each other: breakfast in bed (well, lots of meals in bed, actually); little gifts; love notes left around the house.
Then we had three kids. Then jobs demanded more. Then our kids became teenagers. Too often lately, all of our energy gets used just keeping up with each day's demands rather than truly keeping those wedding promises. To be honest, there are those "Seinfeld" moments when I silently ask: "What does it do for me?"
Take today, for instance. I had a crummy day at work. For reasons real and imagined, I felt unappreciated and slighted by my bosses. My entire 50-minute commute home was a pity party: telling myself I deserve better than this …. wondering if it's time to think about a career change.
At home, no one was in the greatest of moods, either. Lauren's had a rough week with the kids home for summer break, bored and lying around the house. They've been less than respectful to her at times, and she's tired of it. She knows she deserves better.
Our pity parties collided at dinner, where the two of us just looked glum and didn't say much. The kids took the cue and excused themselves early. Each of us had hoped, I think, that the other would lift our spirits and show a little appreciation. But that wasn't happening. Sometimes, when you've given and given and no one knows or cares, you just want to come home and take. And then, when no one's giving at home, you feel even more slighted.
It's no wonder so many couples bail out of marriage after a few years. "What does it do for me?" is burned into our human nature, and the answer isn't always obvious. I work with college students, many of whom have been hurt by parents whose commitment to each other turned out to be considerably less than a lifetime. Some of these students are preparing for their own weddings with a mix of excitement and fear. They're worried they won't be happy because that special someone won't meet all their needs. Others want no part of marriage as they've seen it modeled in their homes.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2005, Summer, Page 34
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