Going Beyond Our Expectations

Marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be—and more than we can imagine.

By Mark Galli

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A classic love song that still gets a lot of radio time goes like this:

You're the meaning in my life
You're the inspiration
You bring feeling to my life
You're the inspiration
Wanna have you near me
I wanna have you hear me sayin'
No one needs you more than I need you.

"You're the Inspiration" by Chicago is typical of the genre we call love songs. Such songs promise that our lover will bring us "meaning," "inspiration," and "feeling," and when our natural resources fail us, our lover will rescue us, so that we can belt out, "No one needs you more than I need you!"

Sort of makes the lover sound like God.

And that's the rub. Christians recognize that such songs are silly at best, idolatrous at worst, and just plain unrealistic. No human relationship can do all that.

But I'll be honest: deep inside there's a part of me that wishes it were true. And I don't think I'm alone.

We're fascinated, even in the Christian world, with books and articles that promise to help "find the love of your life," or to discern whether Mr. X or Ms. Y could possibly be our "soul mate." We live in a culture that longs for what's been called superrelationships. Who wouldn't want one?

We especially pine after the superrelationship when, a few years into marriage, we find ourselves at the breakfast table, sitting across from someone who suddenly seems like a stranger, with disheveled hair, wearing a tattered robe, bent over a newspaper, slurping coffee. We discover we don't have a soul mate but a mere roommate, and we wonder what office we go to in order to find a new one.

Unfortunately, many people do just that. And it's a sad but accurate statistic that Christians divorce as regularly as their unbelieving counterparts. And though it's impossible to show statistically, I suspect that a lot of divorces occur because couples are disappointed that their marriage is not a superrelationship. We expect our spouse to give us inspiration and meaning; we long for a "soul-mate;" we hunger for companionship and intimacy that will make Romeo and Juliet's love seem like childish infatuation.

Why this longing when we know that the only true superrelationship is found in the Trinity? Why thirst for this when in doing so we risk idolatry, expecting marriage to do something only God can do? And to what extent and under what conditions can marriage become an inspiration—literally, something breathing with the Spirit—or as the Book of Common Prayer so simply puts it, an experience of "mutual joy"?

Disappointed with marriage

To answer this, we must look at marriage as an institution common to all humanity throughout history. As such, it is bound to disappoint us in several ways.

Marriage will not bring complete sexual satisfaction. Paul may have said, "Better to marry than burn with lust" (1 Corinthians 7:9, NLT). And there's no question that marriage can have its sexual highlights. But after the honeymoon, there will be times when you'll burn with passion while your spouse is as frigid as dry ice. And even when your spouse is turned on, he or she won't be turned on to the same degree or by the same things.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2006, Summer, Page 34

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