The Soul Cure

Sometimes the best way to solve marital problems is to spend time alone with God.

Steve and Valerie Bell

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We'd barely been seated and handed our menus when Alan began to pour out the details of his difficult marriage in agonizing emotional heaves. We learned his wife, Diane, suffered from terrible premenstrual syndrome as well as bouts of depression. When she wasn't depressed and withdrawn, she was angry and hostile, given to unpredictable behavior and fits of temper.

Alan's wound was raw and deep from 20 years of married hopelessness.

For more than an hour, we listened and empathized completely. After lunch we found a more private place nearby and together prayed with him. Valerie penciled the names "Alan and Diane" in her calendar at the top of each month. And for the next year, she prayed for them whenever she saw their names.

"Oh God, heal Diane's PMS," she'd pray. "Heal their family. Bring wholeness to this home." It was a prayer based in a certain amount of ignorance. A prayer prescription telling God how we'd like to see him work.

A year passed and we saw Alan again. As before, he skipped the usual social banter and plunged into serious conversation. But his story had changed.

Was this the same man? we wondered. Now we were hearing a different version about his marriage. It wasn't so one-sided or cut-and-dry as before—that is, "Diane's the cause of all our problems, and the kids and I are her undeserving victims." We asked specifically about how Diane was doing and waited for the PMS war stories. But surprisingly, he didn't complain about her. Instead, he was excited to tell us about some of the changes in his life.

"Now I can see that I have some 'hidden sins'—addictions, really," Alan explained. "I've realized I'm a bona fide workaholic. While I've been married for more than 20 years, I've chosen not to build my relationship with Diane through those years. No wonder she's frustrated and sad!"

Alan explained he'd experienced a year of seeing himself from God's perspective. As a result, no longer did he blame his marital problems primarily on Diane. He'd had a personal awakening—to the point that he was regularly praying on his own and spending time with God alone.

"Never before had I been consistent in initiating toward God, nor slowed down enough to hear from him," Alan continued. "And now our marriage is improving. I wouldn't have believed it was possible.

"Diane still struggles with PMS, but she's less hostile since I've turned around and decided to 'be there' for her. It's interesting; during this year I'd fall back into my old routines, giving in to the fast-paced daily pressures that lead me toward workaholism, which would squeeze out my focus on God. When I did that, I noticed the dynamics in our marriage would revert to some of the same old patterns as well. But I'm excited to know an active personal spiritual life can make an enormous difference in my marriage and my family."

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2002, Winter

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