Exposed!

How marriage uncovers the sin in our lives—and why that's a good thing.

Gary Thomas

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I've always thought of myself as reasonably patient and charitable—that is, until I got married and discovered how passionately annoyed I can become at pulling out empty ice cube trays.

When I grew up, my family had a simple rule: If you take out an ice cube, you refill the tray before you put it back in the freezer. Now I'll pull out a tray and find nothing more than half an ice cube.

It was amazing how much that small detail irritated me. I asked my wife, Lisa, "How much do you love me?"

"More than all the world," she professed.

"I don't need you to love me that much," I said. "I just want you to love me for seven seconds."

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"Well, I timed how long it takes to fill an ice cube tray and discovered it's just seven sec—"

"Oh Gary, are we back to that again?"

It finally dawned on me that if it takes Lisa just seven seconds to fill an ice cube tray, that's all it takes me as well. Was I really so selfish that I was willing to let seven seconds' worth of inconvenience become a serious issue in my marriage? Was my capacity to show charity really that limited?

Indeed it was.

That's the day I discovered the truth about marriage: Marriage holds up a mirror to my sin. It forces me to face myself honestly and consider my character flaws, selfishness, and anti-Christian attitudes—even with something as trivial as ice cube trays.

Being so close to someone—which marriage necessitates—may be the greatest spiritual challenge in the world. There's no "resting," because I'm under virtual 24-hour surveillance. Not that Lisa makes it seem like that—it's just that I'm aware of it. Every movie I rent is rented with the understanding that I'll watch it with Lisa next to me. Every hour I take off for recreation is an hour that Lisa will know about. My appetites, lusts, and desires are in Lisa's full view.

This presupposes, of course, that I'm willing to be confronted with my sin—that I'm willing to ask Lisa, "Where do you see unholiness in my life? I want to know about it. I want to change it."

This takes tremendous courage—courage I'm the first to admit I often lack. It means I'm willing to hear what displeases Lisa about me, as well as to overcome the paralyzing fear that she'll love me less or leave me because my sin is exposed.

I don't naturally gravitate toward the honesty and openness that leads to change. My natural inclination is to hide behind a glittering façade.

The first marriage was the setting for the first sin. And the first obvious result of the Fall was a breakdown in marital intimacy. Neither Adam nor Eve welcomed the fact that their weaknesses were now as obvious as a little girl's first attempt at makeup. All of a sudden they felt kind of funny about being naked. And they started to blame each other.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Winter

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