Irreconcilable Differences—So?
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It didn't take long into my marriage to discover how incompatible my wife and I were. One reason I was attracted to Barbara in the first place was her apparent interest in theology. We'd spent many happy hours in college taking Bible and religion classes together; we even co-wrote a mediocre paper on the Reformation! Few people have my nutty interest in theology, so I felt especially blessed to have discovered an eligible woman who shared that interest. I proposed as quickly as I could, and I was ready to live happily ever after.
Some days into the marriage I was shocked to discover the truth about Barb. I'd just finished some weighty tome—such as Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Creation and Fall—and encouraged her to read it. She said she wasn't interested. When over the next week I suggested another theology book, and then another, and was turned down repeatedly, I asked what was going on.
"I really don't like theology all that much."
"But what about … ?" I stammered.
"Once in awhile it's okay. But most of the time I find it too dry."
I was floored. Here was the woman of my dreams telling me she wasn't really the woman of my dreams.
That was the first of many shocking revelations. As the years unfolded and we each matured in our own way, the differences became more marked. She liked to get up early; I liked to stay up late—so when exactly were we supposed to have sex? She stayed politically liberal as I became more conservative. She enjoyed being laid back; I liked to plan way in advance. She's energized by a room full of people; I'm drained. She thought the kids should be given a break for being kids; I thought they should be disciplined more. And we couldn't even argue on the same page—I liked to get things out in the open; she liked to do anything but that.
Years ago, we compared our Myers-Briggs personality scores. The literature that interpreted the results was fairly pessimistic about our future.
But surely after 30 years of marriage, things have gotten better, no? I recently took an online marital compatibility test to see whether time has made a difference. We scored a 60 percent. The test maker said, "If you're less than 70 percent compatible you may have to struggle hard to maintain a long-term relationship."
It appears that Barbara and I are simply not compatible. Some would say we have irreconcilable differences. But there's a mystery here: though we're as incompatible as ever these days, we find ourselves happier than ever, as well.
Mired in the self Like nearly every couple in self-absorbed America, Barb and I originally thought marriage was about mutual self-fulfillment. We mouthed all the Christian platitudes about serving God and each other, but when we first got married, we predictably focused on how much fun it was to be together: companionship, sex, increased income, someone to listen, sex, another shoulder to cry on, someone to go on vacations with, sex, and so on. Early marriage for most couples is very much about mutual emotional masturbation.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Winter
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Hubert Baquel
I am just married about five years soon apart from her. This is absolutely true. If God is always be the center in the marriage of a Christian couple; then all things will be accomplished victoriously.Despite of the many trials, God is still glorified.
Naomi
Deb, we don't really need to measure it or quantify it, they both did what they hate to do, at least they did it. Little sacrifice here and there without over labouring the other person should be put in consideration. Just to make the marriage work since divorce is out of it.
JP
I feel this is a very dangerous article. On the one hand this article provides some good normalization, such as couples will have differences and that this is fine and normal. The dangerous part of the article is the encouragement for martyrdom, because many times in couple life one partner may take the position of martyr or appeaser as their conflict style. Therefore affirming this also affirms their dysfunctional position in their family. Sometimes, historically for women self-emptying to appease another is a major problem, which is an opposite problem from many (not all) men, who have enjoyed more of a position of privilege and may suffer from a prideful and oppressive positions in relationships. Both pride and martydom can be forms of selfcenteredness, when they keep us from facing life. While martydom may be a helpful encouragement to some (maybe), to others it is a encouragement to dysfunction and selfcenteredness. It may decrease legal divorce, but increase emotional divorce
Rev. Sylvia Wright
This is a refreshing take on what had expected to be a very negative account.
Hollyjes
Edith, I forgot to add, perhaps you could be helped by attending Al-Anon support groups, for people affected by others drinking. Go here to find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
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