Irreconcilable Differences—So?
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[7 Comments]It didn't take long into my marriage to discover how incompatible my wife and I were. One reason I was attracted to Barbara in the first place was her apparent interest in theology. We'd spent many happy hours in college taking Bible and religion classes together; we even co-wrote a mediocre paper on the Reformation! Few people have my nutty interest in theology, so I felt especially blessed to have discovered an eligible woman who shared that interest. I proposed as quickly as I could, and I was ready to live happily ever after.
Some days into the marriage I was shocked to discover the truth about Barb. I'd just finished some weighty tome—such as Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Creation and Fall—and encouraged her to read it. She said she wasn't interested. When over the next week I suggested another theology book, and then another, and was turned down repeatedly, I asked what was going on.
"I really don't like theology all that much."
"But what about … ?" I stammered.
"Once in awhile it's okay. But most of the time I find it too dry."
I was floored. Here was the woman of my dreams telling me she wasn't really the woman of my dreams.
That was the first of many shocking revelations. As the years unfolded and we each matured in our own way, the differences became more marked. She liked to get up early; I liked to stay up late—so when exactly were we supposed to have sex? She stayed politically liberal as I became more conservative. She enjoyed being laid back; I liked to plan way in advance. She's energized by a room full of people; I'm drained. She thought the kids should be given a break for being kids; I thought they should be disciplined more. And we couldn't even argue on the same page—I liked to get things out in the open; she liked to do anything but that.
Years ago, we compared our Myers-Briggs personality scores. The literature that interpreted the results was fairly pessimistic about our future.
But surely after 30 years of marriage, things have gotten better, no? I recently took an online marital compatibility test to see whether time has made a difference. We scored a 60 percent. The test maker said, "If you're less than 70 percent compatible you may have to struggle hard to maintain a long-term relationship."
It appears that Barbara and I are simply not compatible. Some would say we have irreconcilable differences. But there's a mystery here: though we're as incompatible as ever these days, we find ourselves happier than ever, as well.
Mired in the self Like nearly every couple in self-absorbed America, Barb and I originally thought marriage was about mutual self-fulfillment. We mouthed all the Christian platitudes about serving God and each other, but when we first got married, we predictably focused on how much fun it was to be together: companionship, sex, increased income, someone to listen, sex, another shoulder to cry on, someone to go on vacations with, sex, and so on. Early marriage for most couples is very much about mutual emotional masturbation.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Winter
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Hollyjes
Edith, I forgot to add, perhaps you could be helped by attending Al-Anon support groups, for people affected by others drinking. Go here to find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
Hollyjes
Thanks so much for this article. My husband and I are compatible in many things, but this is a good reminder that I need to recognize he is different than me and not try to force him into behavior that makes me happy. I find if I focus on his happiness, he automatically works harder to make me happy too. Edith, I'm so sorry for your difficult situation. Are you in counseling? Have you asked him to come with you? Even if he won't, individually counseling is very helpful. Try to find a Christian counselor that won't just automatically push for divorce. Also, I'd suggest counseling with a pastor at the same time. I will pray for you with all my heart. God is listening. Avoiding divorce is a very, very high priority in my book. However, if you or your children are not safe in any way, physically or emotionally, please do what you need to do to get yourself into a safe situation.
Deb
Your observations were depressing yet oddly liberating. I identify with you and your wife. Thanks for the new viewpoint--I may have failed at martyrdom yesterday, but I have a chance today. And it's OK to note and even celebrate our differences. However your enduring a walk on the beach is quite a lesser sacrifice than her having to cook a meal for a bunch of people. Come on.
Berry
I like the article...and I wholeheartedly agree with Mark's perspective of compatibility. Removing divorce as an option is key, but it also takes maturity to move to a place where you can embrace differences.
Magnes
thank u for this beautiful article
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