When No Time's a Good Time
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It was a rare, golden moment in the Miller household.
Our 14-year-old daughter was at a friend's house, and our 17-year-old son had just driven off to play racquetball with a few buddies. This left my husband, Tim*, and me alone in our house.
As the front door slammed and we heard the car pull out of the driveway, realization dawned and Tim and I looked up from our computers. We were alone in the house. Tim waggled his eyebrows; I responded with a smoldering "come hither" wink.
We shut down computers, hightailed it for the bedroom, and began gleefully disrobing faster than a couple of trained strippers.
And then the phone rang.
Mom? Becky has a dance lesson. Could someone pick me up now?
I didn't have to say a word—Tim read the news on my face. His expression darkened with frustration, and he all but stamped his foot. "I can't believe it! We never have time for this anymore. I may as well enter a monastery."
Though time and some distance have given us the ability to chuckle at that memory, the frustration Tim expressed (and we both felt) is valid and ongoing. Late night, early morning, mid-day—no matter the timing, we're constantly faced with obstacles when it comes to lovemaking. And while as a woman I can accept this is a season in our lives that will eventually pass, as a man who's wired completely differently from me, that just doesn't work for Tim. It's the equivalent of me saying, "I know you're hungry, honey, but hang in there. A couple more years, and you'll be able to eat whenever you want!"
Before we started a family, I'd heard plenty of warnings about the negative impact small children can have on your sex life. I don't recall a single person, however, who mentioned that teenagers can be just as detrimental.
Although infants and toddlers demand the lion's share of our time and attention, leaving us drained, sleep-deprived, and light years from "in the mood," older kids bring their own set of intimacy dampeners. For one thing, little ones take naps and generally go to bed early. Big kids, on the other hand, can still be going strong late into the night. It's not unusual (on a non-school night) for our kids still to be talking on cell phones, instant messaging, and watching television when Tim and I are ready to turn in.
And then you have the whole "awareness" factor. There's a definite security in knowing that your kids are blissfully ignorant about exactly what Mommy and Daddy are up to behind closed doors. Once they hit the teen years, a certain level of subterfuge inevitably becomes part of the lovemaking process—along with the anxiety that we might be "found out." Tim and I frequently worry: Did I hear the front door? Did one of the kids just wake up? What if they get back early from the movie?
Talk about your mood killers.
So how do we make sex a priority when no time is a good time? Relationship expert and best-selling author of The Sex-Starved Marriage (Simon & Schuster), Michele Weiner Davis says that an important first step is for couples to realize that struggling to find time for lovemaking is a normal part of marriage. "Parents need to know they aren't doing anything wrong—with their marriage or their kids." She goes on to point out that while it may seem "no time is a good time," in reality it's more like "few times are good times." "Couples need to take a close look at their schedules and at their kids' schedules," she says, "and see what times can be used for intimacy."
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2008, Fall
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Average User Rating:
Stephanie
I think parents are too closed off with their teenaged children. My teenagers know that sex is a gift from God and that their dad and I need our alone time. When we want to be alone, we simply tell them we want to be alone and they laugh and go away! When our bedroom door is locked that means no bothering mom or dad!
Jeff
"But knowing that we're in this together, and that we've both committed to placing sex at the top of our priorities..." You can't mean this literally. Ahead of our kids and the chores now and then, sure, but please tell me that you don't really think sex should head our priority lists, even in married life. Shared prayer? Rich conversation? Healthy sleep? These don't beat out sex?
Sara
What about just acknowledging you are a married couple and you have sex? Your teenagers must know, and if they accidentally hear a few things, I am sure they won't be scarred for life. It may even help them see that regular sex in marriage is beautiful, normal, and necessary.
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