We've Got Chemistry

Understanding the science of love isn't as complicated as it seems.

by Leon Scott Baxter

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Ah, young love. Do you remember first falling for your spouse? Those late nights talking on the phone? Surprising her with a dozen roses you picked up from the local flower stand? Skipping sleep to write him that epic love poem? Can you recall those countless hours when thoughts and images of your sweetheart seemed constantly to invade your mind? How your hands got sweaty when you thought of him? Your heart pounding moments before you went in for that goodnight kiss?

Love is so emotional, straight from the heart, right? Wrong. Although it's strong, it's powerful, it connects our souls, and can take over our thoughts during the day and our dreams at night, there's a science behind love. It's chemical and comes straight from the brain.

The more we understand the science of love, the better we'll understand ourselves, and the better our chances at keeping romance alive, our love fresh, and our marriage strong.

Remember when? (new love)

When we think of love, see it portrayed on tv and film, or read about it in a novel, it's usually exciting and passionate. The lovers can't get enough of each other. They can't sleep. Their hearts race. Their palms get sweaty. And there's always incredible sex.

So we think, I wouldn't mind having some of that! Why isn't my relationship that exciting?

The easy answer: because that's "new love." That's fresh love. That's the love we used to have.

Phenylethyla … huh?

Phenylethylamine (PEA) is one of the culprits for the excitement of "new love." PEA is a brain chemical that acts like an amphetamine (yes, the drug) during the early stages in a relationship. Your body reacts to it like it would an upper, but without the harmful side effects and embarrassment of failing a urine test.

Think about falling in love with your mate. Remember feeling like you were walking on air, the "cloud nine" effect, and tossing and turning in bed just thinking about him or her? Those were the drug-like symptoms of pea.

The love letter culprit

Another effect of PEA is the release of the chemical dopamine. This little neurotransmitter—a chemical messenger that sends a message from one nerve cell to another in the brain—boosts both our energy levels and our motivation. Why do you think men write love letters and wear cologne and take showers early on in relationships? They're being flooded with dopamine.

Can you ever get back those days, ladies? Three words: Ab-So-Lutely! A man's dopamine levels rise when he's challenged (such as when he was first courting you), at risk (asking you out on that first date), or when he feels needed, appreciated, and rewarded for his efforts.

So bring him back to that dopamine-induced stupor. Get him motivated to romance you again. Start recognizing his efforts, no matter how minor. Then praise him: "The yard looks great, honey," or stroke his ego in bed, "Wow, you are still a wonderful lover." Or ask for help: "I'm having a problem at work. Think you can help me with it?" or "Can you give me a hand with this crossword puzzle?" Let him feel successful, then be ready for him to reciprocate with a little deodorant and a few lines of "Roses are red …"

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2007, Fall, Page 22

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