Beating the Bedroom Blues
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[18 Comments]
Let's face it. Fantasies happen. No, not the kind of fantasies you're thinking about, but how about these?
- Zzzzzzzzz …. I'm so [yawn] sleepy!
- After I check off "have sex with spouse," to-do list conquered!
- Has she ever heard of a new position?
- Is that all he knows for foreplay?
- We really need to paint this bedroom.
- Is that the puppy/toddler/baby monitor breathing by the doorway? I thought I heard something.
Fess up. Are you cringing? Yeah, me too. Sometimes sex gets lost in the shuffle of senseless schedules and tangled in the unfolded towels. Frankly, it seems an effort. Couples generally have three basic reactions to a bad case of the bedroom blues:
Resignation. When we choose this one, we view sex as something to do and just get over. Worse, we slide into a pit where the thoughts in its depths aren't pretty. Things are always going to be this way, so why bother? God wouldn't want me to be this unhappy. Maybe we're just wrong for each other. So we drift into roommate status with bedroom privileges that we care nothing about.
Radioactivity. This makes sex toxic. We might introduce fantasies or bring pornography into our bedrooms, buying into the world's view that anything different spices up our marriage and brings adventure into the bedroom. We dangerously compare our marriages, spouses, love lives to everyone else's seeming superiority.
Someone in either of the above stages is ripe for an affair.
Rejuvenation. We could choose to use a dull time in our love lives to reinvent it, to refresh ourselves, and restore our closeness. Remember whose idea sex was? That's right, it was God's. I'm not sure why, but we Christians tend to be shocked by such a reminder. And he's on your side for sweetening your love life.
What To Do
Here are some ideas to jumpstart your love life and get it sizzling again.
Make sex a priority. In this case, when you snooze, you really do lose. Write it on your calendar if you're having trouble finding the time. While sex is certainly not the biggest part of a marriage, it is a fairly accurate measure of the health of your marriage. It will enhance your sleep and your energy levels both. What a combo!
Do your homework. My husband and I assign this in marriage seminars: Have sex every night for a week. Yes, that includes the weekend! Why? Because having sex usually begets the desire to have more.
Ask your spouse what he or she needs. Men are different from women. And I'm generalizing here, but the adage is all too true: Women need a reason; men just need a place.
Men, if you truly want to touch your wife's body, touch her heart first. Talk with her. Consider vacuuming as foreplay! If you have young children, take over bedtime duties and give your wife precious time to make the transition from mommy to sex goddess! Honor her and be sensitive to her needs.
Related Topics:
Fulfillment, Fun, Intimacy, sex
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Anonymous
I also find the article to have a lot of truth to it even though as a few have pointed out, it doesn't discuss the flip side of the situation. I've read probably half a dozen marriage books and countless articles online and it doesn't matter if they are geared towards Christian marriages or just marriage in general- most talk about honoring and serving the husband in all aspects including in the bedroom... And the advice offered toward the husband is to work towards her heart as a lead up toward sex. But what if my husband wants none of this. It pains me that my husband has had probably close to two dozen partners before me- in the span of five or six years no less... And now all of a sudden he's not only uninterested in sex, but he'll tell me things like, "no sex for you tonight..." as if it's supposed to be playful. I've talked to him about how badly these words hurt, but I don't think he understands. He says sex isn't everything, but it breaks my heart tht he withholds intimacy.
cam
I agree with all of the comments written. I am in a situation where the role is reveresed and it is my husband that it not interested in having sex and we are newlyweds. Between TV, friends, work and ailments (headaches and the like)we hardly have sex. It is a strain in our marriage because that area of our marriage is so important and it is not being fulfilled. In addition to this, he also decided that de soes not want kids right now even though we came into this marriage with kids being our priority. He completely changed gears so not sure if we will be having children if we hardly have sex. I completely agree with the following statement made by JR: "You cannot "love, honor," and "cherish" while withholding yourself from your mate for any reason "other than prayer." If you want to keep your husband[wife] and your marriage "Godly" then the women[men] are going to have to step up and fulfill their part of the marriage, too."
Kira
PS the article does not claim to be written by a sex therapist, or a medical doctor, simply light hearted advice to begin conversations. If you really want more in depth information see a therapist, read peer reviewed journals, or enroll in higher education classes. There is a need for deeper discussion from a Christian perspective, trust me I am a professional and a Christian and I know the need is there.
Kira
JR your comment clearly comes from a male perspective, roles do reverse and the man DOES change, a woman can be the one with the high sexual needs. In my opinion the largest piece not discussed by nearly everybody is male childhood sexual abuse. I am a therapist at an intensive residential treatment facility and know this to be true for my experience. The largest sexual organ is the mind, and when the mind has been hurt by abuse or poor understanding of sexuality the sex act itself suffers. The other major factor rarely discussed is the strain infertility causes sexual relationships. Sex becomes overwhelming and difficult, a chore instead of an enjoyable expression of love and care for one another. Both partners desperately want what is so natural, but even the natural act that should produce something so common becomes hurt in turn hurting their relationship. We are raised to think you get married, have sex, and it just works, it's the natural next step.
sally
This article ignores when roles are reversed....when it is the husband that is shutting out and shutting down. There are many women that do not feel desired by their husbands. This is an issue that both wives and husbands face. The article also completely ignores the idea of medical conditions or mental health issues that can cause a spouse to lose interest in sex. This article is incomplete without the exploration of alternate gender roles and health and mental influences on these types of problems.
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