Real Sex

She Can't Forget His Past

Melissa and Louis McBurney

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As a teenager I once heard a Christian speaker warning against the dangers of premarital sex. He said intercourse creates a "soul tie" between two people.
My husband and I have been married for 18 months, and our sex life is OK. But I worry about the soul tie he created with his college girlfriend. He says his repentance removes that, but it's hard for me to believe he feels no connection with her. Why can't I stop thinking about it?

Louis: Premarital sex does have many effects on individuals, and the depth of impact and strength of the experience over time varies considerably. The variables might be the intensity of the relationship, the length of the involvement, the morals of the individuals, the guilt or remorse experienced, what intervened in the romance and the way the relationship ended. But the idea of a soul tie would not necessarily apply in every relationship.

More important is the true soul tie you and your husband have created. That will be strengthened by your acceptance of his word, dismissing your doubts and deepening the trust you feel for him. Ask God to help you take your doubts captive and to focus on the oneness he's created for your marriage.

Melissa: Many of the couples who come to us for counseling had premarital sex, either with each other or with another partner. The primary result is usually lack of trust. One or the other brings it up, especially during arguments.

Even though the past behavior was painful, it's foolish to allow that pain to carry over into your marriage. Getting past that pain into forgiveness is a choice well worth making—and it is a choice.

You don't like the feelings that go with your lack of trust. Your husband doesn't like the accusations. Neither of you wants or needs this problem. Your decision seems simple—move toward oneness and a great marriage.

A Lackluster Libido

After 16 years of marriage, our sex life is almost non-existent because my husband seems to have completely lost interest. Should I keep offering, but wait for him to show some responsiveness? Should I demand sex because he's tolerant though disinterested and just be grateful for what little I can get? Or should I stop trying, get used to celibacy and try to enjoy our nonsexual relationship?

Louis: Don't just opt for celibacy! Sexual fulfillment is too important a part of your marriage for you to stop trying. As you approach your husband about his disinterest, express yourself in terms of your own feelings. You might say, "Honey, I feel abandoned and unimportant sexually. I don't understand what that means or how I should react. I've enjoyed our sexual oneness and I need it in my life." Express your feelings using "I" statements, while avoiding criticisms or placing blame.

And keep talking about it. Try to explore in your own imagination and through conversation with him why his interest in sex has vanished. The male psyche is almost as complex as the female one. Assuming he's near 40 years of age, some mid-life transition issues could be playing a role. Men begin to question a lot of things in their lives in mid-life, especially their need for intimacy and whether life has turned out the way they thought it would.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Winter

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