The Basics of Sex

It's possible for each of you to get what you want. Here's how

Tim and Amy Gardner

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In a shopworn joke, husband and wife are asked the same question: "How many times a week do you have sex?"

He says, "Hardly ever! Only two, maybe three times a week."

She says, "All the time! Two, maybe three times a week."

Couples struggle to agree on a variety of issues, but it seems sexual frequency is one area in which husbands and wives often give up trying to find a solution. Nearly always, one partner wants sex more often than the other. And, contrary to conventional wisdom, it's not always husbands. Judging by the e-mail received at Marriage Partnership, there are just as many women as men who say they desire a more active sex life than their spouse does.

If you and your mate are struggling in this area, try these two steps to improve sexual satisfaction for both of you. First, make sure you're both following the same ground rules. Then approach the sexual aspect of your marriage in the context of your entire relationship.

The Ground Rules

Get on the same page by recognizing a few overarching truths about sexual intimacy. Begin by agreeing that God is the creator of sex and all its pleasures. Orgasm is not some evil, post-Fall addition to the process of procreation. It was God who decided that sex should be incredibly enjoyable. He is also the one who established certain parameters (namely, marriage) to protect and maximize the experience. If you're struggling with doubts about how much you should enjoy sex, exercise the freedom that God has already given you. Now that you've said "I do," it's time to explore the gift of pleasure with your spouse.

Second, agree to keep talking. Great sex begins with talking together in an open, trusting, accepting manner, and it's the only path to resolving the "how often is enough" question. (To help you get started, see the sidebar below.)

Third, agree not to assume anything about your mate. A multitude of factors lie behind each person's desire for more or less sex. Don't assume that it's simply a male vs. female discrepancy in desire or that you know what your spouse's "problem" is. And don't insist that your spouse conform to your libido and timetable. On the flip side, don't assume your mate knows why you feel the way you do. You have to express your own feelings, preferences and concerns.

Instead of assuming, commit yourself to understanding your spouse and to helping your spouse understand you. That's part of your lifelong commitment to care for and treasure each other.

Fourth, agree to consider possible outside barriers. Many men and women come to marriage having suffered difficult experiences that prevent them from fully enjoying God's gift of sex. Sexual abuse, promiscuity, rape and sexual addictions leave memories that can make it hard, sometimes even impossible, to desire further sexual intimacy. If past experiences are affecting your sexual relationship, don't hesitate to seek assistance from a Christian counselor who has helped others with similar struggles. By God's grace, healing is available.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Fall

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