What's Wrong with Happiness

When marriage fails to satisfy, check your expectations

Gary Kinnaman with Annette LaPlaca

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I once saw a cynical cartoon in which a man is down on bended knee, saying, "I love you, Cindy. Will you marry me for a year or two?" The joke has a sharp edge to it, of course, because it points to a frightening trend in our society. "Till death us do part" is being replaced by "as long as I'm happy."

I'd been counseling a couple for several months when the wife came to see me on her own one day. Although she'd been married for 25 years, she wanted out. Nothing I said could change her determination; she simply was no longer happy in her marriage. She and her husband divorced, and not long after that she turned up at church again—sitting in the pew with her husband's brother. When she came to ask me to officiate at her second wedding, she wasn't too pleased to hear my refusal. She said, "But it says in the Bible that God wants me to be happy!"

Of course, she couldn't point to a specific chapter and verse. The Bible talks about joy, about contentment, but the Bible doesn't lift up happiness as an ultimate goal.

It's not that happiness is such a bad thing. Who doesn't like to feel happy? The Declaration of Independence proclaims "the pursuit of happiness" as one of the great American ideals, and most of us busy ourselves in the relentless pursuit of happiness.

Happiness is what I'd call a "neutral" value. It's not good or evil, but it's a cultural value that can assault Christianity. The woman who deserted her husband assigned such a high priority to personal happiness that it overwhelmed the Christian, biblical value of marital commitment. She valued her own happiness more than she desired to obey God's commands.

For many Americans, the pursuit of self- fulfillment and personal happiness has become a religion. Even Christians have bought into this religion of self-actualization, pursuing God only because they see him as an agent for happiness. They want happiness, and they think they can use God to get it.

It's hard for us to realize what it cost the early believers to follow Christ. Many had to give up their family ties, their culture, their entire way of life to become Christians. The New Testament never portrays a relationship with God as a path to an easier life. Instead, it was understood as a relationship that would give strength to sustain the believer through even the most difficult times. God's grace isn't there just to make us feel better about ourselves, but to give us power and courage to help us live for God, no matter what happens.

HAPPINESS OR CONTENTMENT?

In our society, we tend to make choices based on what will bring us the most happiness. But in the Bible, God's concept of happiness is much better defined by the word contentment. Remember Paul saying, in essence, "No matter what circumstances I find myself in, I've learned to be content" (Phil. 4:11)?

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Fall

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