Real Sex

Will Vacuum for Sex

Melissa and Louis McBurney

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My wife and I are no longer having sex, even though when we married four years ago we were very passionate. Believe it or not, she claims her aversion to sex stems from my not doing a fair share of the housework. How can I find out what's really wrong?

Louis: Your refusal to share with the housework is probably exactly what's "really wrong." Most relationships glide along smoothly on the oil of tradeoffs, as in "You scratch my back; I'll scratch yours." Marriage enrichment pioneers David and Vera Mace once said that the most sensitive barometer of marital health is how much each spouse feels there is mutual need-meeting. It's hard to stay in a relationship joyfully when there are areas of life you feel fall totally on you.

Your wife's excuse may seem strange to you because you wouldn't think of sex as one of the "tasks" of living that need to be negotiated between you. But sex is often seen by women as a task. In some cases, a woman's mother or grandmother taught her, "sex is your duty and you have to keep your husband happy. So just endure it." Fortunately, this kind of teaching is becoming obsolete. Another reason women might categorize sex as a task is that a substantial percentage of women are not orgasmic. For them, sexual intercourse is at best enjoyed for the closeness and at worst is a frustrating experience leading to disappointment and even resentment.

Sometimes one partner begins to feel an imbalance of mutuality, especially as he or she remembers the good times of courtship and senses a change. When a wife feels that imbalance, it gets hard for her to give herself passionately. This works both ways. Many husbands complain that they don't think their wives appreciate the hard work they do to support the family so they don't have much enthusiasm about helping around the house.

For you, the desire for sex is a compelling inner physiological drive. For most women, giving themselves sexually is a response growing out of an emotional awareness of being treasured and pursued relationally. When that sense of being "cherished" dies (or never existed), the desire to connect sexually dies with it.

Another possibility to consider is that sharing in tasks may be part of your wife's "love language"—probably more than physical affection. She needs you to deposit more "love" (by sharing housework) to build up her depleted emotional bank account.

Maybe you ought to see a counselor together, but I'd try helping out at home first. Do the dishes, pick up dirty clothes, clean the toilets once in a while. See what happens.

Melissa: Maybe your dad never helped out around the house, modeling for you that men don't do that sort of thing. If that's true for you, you may have a hard time overcoming that prejudice. Consider how your father's actions (or inactions) affected your mom and their relationship. Be as objective as possible; that'll make it easier for you to change.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Summer

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