Marriage Insurance
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[0 Comment]When they married 18 months ago, Kim would've never dreamed that her husband, Steve, wouldn't show her enough affection.
"He used to be so attentive that he'd notice if I changed my hair or bought a new dress," she told us. But Steve's loving words and compliments were coming less often, and Kim felt ignored. Steve was feeling confused. He couldn't figure out why Kim had lost interest in sex.
Kim and Steve aren't alone. The frequent expressions of affection and approval that couples give each other during courtship and the honeymoon stage can dwindle in the first years of marriage. You may still love each other just as much, but you talk about it less. The early emotional intimacy that was so exciting peaks, then "I love you" dwindles and the romance tapers off. You fear that things have gone terribly wrong. But have they?
Contrary to the fairy tales we were weaned on, romance always fades. We just aren't built to maintain the high levels of feverish passion and romance experienced during the days of engagement and the honeymoon. And yet that's what most couples, like Kim and Steve, expect.
Consider the most popular story of doomed love—Romeo and Juliet. Their overpowering love was snuffed out in the heat of passion. But can you imagine Romeo and Juliet as a married couple—rushing to leave for work, worrying over unpaid bills, pushing a cart through a crowded grocery store? Would their passion have survived the mundane tasks of daily life? The truth is that the romancing and wooing that led up to your marriage are not what will sustain it in real life.
Couples who expect their marriage to be a long-running cinematic fairy tale end up drinking the poison of untold heartache. But don't despair. The good news is that you can keep romantic love alive long after the honeymoon has ended. And the secret is quite simple: do everything you can in the early years of marriage to establish habits of loving behavior.
Honeymoon Habits
Habits can lead to actions that nurture lasting love, or they can lead to behaviors that will sabotage your love. And once a habit is set, it's next to impossible to break.
The habits you establish in the first few months of marriage will determine many of the practices you will naturally fall into for the rest of your marriage. The little things you do now—without thinking—will cut a groove in your relationship that will likely last a lifetime. That's why "honeymoon habits" are so important.
When we moved from Chicago to Los Angeles after returning home from our honeymoon, we moved into a tiny, one-bedroom apartment. All of our earthly belongings were squeezed into a moving van and put at the bottom of the company's priority list. We spent the first couple of weeks in our new home without a stick of furniture—not even a TV. As a result, we spent nearly every evening taking long walks around town discovering hidden treasures. And we did a lot of talking.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Summer
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