Real Sex
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During a recent argument, my wife confessed that for the whole ten years of our marriage she's been faking her orgasms. I couldn't believe it—and I feel really angry and betrayed. I thought I was doing everything possible for her during sex. Now I don't even want to have sex; her deception seems so cold to me. Is there any hope for our sex life?
Louis: A recent survey reported that more than 60 percent of women have some problems achieving orgasm and 10 percent never have had an orgasm (Secrets of Eve, by Hart, Weber and Taylor [Word]). So a wife's "faking" an orgasm is not an uncommon occurrence.
In a sense, your wife chose to give you many exciting nights of sexual pleasure as a loving gift. However, I can understand your disappointment in the way she hit you with this information—it must've been a real kick in the groin. I know my sense of being an adequate (or even super) lover has been important to my well-being. I wonder now whether your ego is so fragile that you won't be able to change your focus from your own woundedness to your wife's ten years of frustration and distress. If you can make that shift and show legitimate concern for her, there's plenty of hope for your sex life. Your physical intimacy could become explosively erotic.
Your attitude is foundational, but not the only factor. The second key issue is learning to deal with conflict more effectively. Your wife's "confession" of her sexual frustration indicates her inability to keep short accounts. It would've been much less devastating to you if the two of you had talked about this with, say, nine years less accumulated tension. If you want to work toward a positive sex life, you'll have to address other areas of your marriage—such as communicating about problems and working through them right away.
Melissa: Our third area of concern is your wife's inability to reach orgasm. I'm glad you've desired in the past to "do everything possible" for her; that indicates a willingness on your part to discover what might be holding her back. And there are plenty of reasons for inorgasmia. Very rarely, a woman's inability to achieve orgasm is tied to a physiological problem, but you could have a gynecologist evaluate that possibility. More commonly a woman doesn't reach orgasm because some aspect of the lovemaking technique needs to be changed for her—timing, lubrication, foreplay.
But most of the time the factors that hold women back from orgasm are emotional: a history of sexual abuse; unresolved guilt over premarital sexual experiences; fearfulness to release control as sexual intensity approaches climax; anger, resentment or disappointment in other areas of the marriage; a sense of sexual inadequacy reinforced by her lack of orgasm or an unrealistic expectation that a spouse won't be able to handle the truth. And as with all sexuality issues, the side effects of drugs and alcohol must be kept in mind.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1999, Spring
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dmartin815
I havent even finished reading this article yet, and already i needed to comment! This is whats going on with me and my husband. I had to stop intercourse last night because I have so much emotion and anger and resentment built up by the things that have gone wrong in the marriage, and I have felt dirty and used due to past sexual abuse and premarital sex (we both were not virgins), taht it just built up. I love him, just not sure waht to do or how to proceed.
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