Real Sex

Louis and Melissa McBurney

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I Want More Sex without Being Pushy

My wife doesn't want or need sex as often as I do—and I understand that this is typical. But if my need seems great and she's not in the mood, is it okay for me to try to warm things up? I'm wondering if there's any way I can be considerate and self-sacrificing, yet get enough sex, too?

Melissa: The avenue to sexual satisfaction for women is definitely relational. When you are trying to "warm things up," if you do the things your wife needs you'll be much more likely to succeed. Those things include listening to her (sometimes to what seems to you very irrelevant things), sharing your own feelings (even when they seem trivial to you), giving her lots of attention (eye contact) and not pressuring her for sex (give her plenty of nonsexual touching and attention).

When you're sharing your feelings, you can make clear to your wife what you have in mind. But make sure you stress that you want the time together to be pleasurable for her. It might be a good idea to try this approach when you are not feeling desperate for sex.

I find there are times when I'm not really in the mood for sex, but I'm still willing to be available to Louis. It's helpful if he understands this and is able to lower his expectations for how much time or "pizzazz" I can offer. Discuss that possibility with your wife, and strive for openness and honesty with each other. Talking is a wonderful way to connect emotionally before you try to connect sexually.

Louis: Understanding female sexuality can be a real challenge, but it's essential if you want to connect with your wife. A new book, Secrets of Eve (by Hart, Weber and Taylor, Word Books), surveys women's attitudes and perceptions of sex. This could help you understand you wife, and it could be a springboard for talking with her about your differences. She needs to understand the intensity of your feelings and drive just as much as you must discover what increases her responsivity.

Obsessed with Sex

After having a ho-hum sex life for the first four years of marriage, my husband and I finally talked things out. Now we have wonderful, incredible sex. My problem is I feel like I'm addicted. It doesn't seem right for me to be so consumed with sexual thoughts and desire, or to want sex as much as I do, which is constantly. I feel out of control, and that can't be godly behavior—even if my urges are directed toward my husband. How can I get control of this?

Louis: It's fairly unusual for a woman to find herself consumed by sexual thoughts and desires, but it's not pathological or even necessarily "ungodly." Sexual drive and pleasure are part of God's creative design. The problem comes when a person's sexual feelings and fantasies go outside the marital boundary. It's important for you and your husband to keep on talking in order to protect your faithfulness in marriage.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Winter

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