Real Sex

Louis and Melissa McBurney

Average Rating: Not rated

[0 Comment]

There are no previous pages

1 of 2

Although my wife and I rarely have sex, neither of us minds much. For a long time we were preoccupied with our kids, our business and some family illnesses. Not having sex became a habit, and now we don't really miss it. But I have to believe that a sexless marriage isn't what God intended. If neither of us desires a lot of sex, how can we both get more interested?

Louis: This is well-worn advice, but "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!" From what you say, you and your wife have a comfortable and meaningful relationship. If you feel satisfied that your relational needs are being met, I wouldn't worry much about your sexual frequency.

Melissa: But are you certain you're speaking for both of you? Sometimes you can assume you know what your mate thinks or feels—and then be very surprised when you find out you're wrong. You apparently have enough doubts to prompt this question. Your wife may also have some unspoken wishes or longings. Have a good, long talk about it. That could lead you both to an even more fulfilling marriage.

Louis: If you and your wife decide to increase your interest and frequency, talking about it is the place to begin rekindling your sex life. Talk about your feelings about sex. Talk about what is or has been romantic for each of you. Brainstorm things you can do that will draw you closer in an affectionate way.

You mentioned God's intention for sex. God wants us to become "one." It's our culture that defines oneness primarily as sexual. Because of that, many other aspects of oneness aren't emphasized. It's not uncommon for sexual drive to diminish and intercourse to be replaced by other acts of affection and love. Melissa and I really enjoy taking a walk on a beach or in the woods holding hands. If that closeness leads to something else, that's okay. If it doesn't, that's okay, too.

Sex as a Bargaining Chip

My husband and I plodded along for years in our marriage. Then, two years ago, he had to work out-of-state for an extended period. Since he came back home, he's been talking about how unhappy he has always been with the way we communicate—especially with how much we fight. Plus, he won't have sex with me. It's like his bargaining chip—no sex until I change. This really ticks me off, since he's blaming me for all our problems. Any suggestions?

Louis: This may sound insensitive, but I'm glad your husband decided to shake things up. Often couples plod along without connecting in meaningful ways. That's a dangerous pattern, because it can easily end in adultery. A mate feels lonely and frustrated and is attracted to someone else, hoping to find a more satisfying match.

Your husband has said (in so many words), "Let's stop the old dance and learn to tango." The "old dance" involves unproductive ways of communicating and unfulfilling behavior patterns. He wants more from your relationship—and that's good.

next page... |

There are no previous pages

1 of 2

Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Fall

More from Louis and Melissa McBurney:
Kyria.com | Books

Join the Kyria.com Community!

Become a member to have access to the following:

Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women