Real Sex

Turned On but Turned Down

Louis and Melissa McBurney

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I love my wife dearly, but I'm frustrated by our sex life. It's good, once we get going, but I always have to initiate it. Even then, I get rejected a lot because my wife has so many excuses—she needs ten hours of sleep, she wants to watch the soap operas she recorded earlier, she needs to finish the ironing. I can't figure out why sex is such a low priority for her.

Louis: Life isn't fair in lots of ways, and the difference in men's and women's sex drives is one of them. But I'll pass along a few insights that have helped me.

First, my wife (and yours) is a normal woman. Melissa and I have counseled more than a thousand couples, and out of that number I can only recall 10 to 20 in which the wife had a greater sexual appetite than her husband. So I've tried to accept that reality and adjust to it.

Part of that adjustment was understanding that my sexual prowess was not on the line. Early in our marriage I assumed, like most guys, that if I were an adequate lover, Melissa would be more interested. I imagined her desiring my body so intensely that she'd vamp me at every opportunity. Eventually, though, I realized her lack of interest is primarily biological. That knowledge took us both off the hook—me from doubting my desirability, and Melissa from feeling frustrated by my demands.

Now we try to minimize the frustrations caused by our differences in several ways:

I accept my God-given sex drive as a sensible reason for me to take the initiative (even if it's all the time).
I try to find creative ways to awaken my beloved's passion.
We have agreed that our sexual play is beneficial to our marriage. So we try to maximize our relationship outside the bedroom, increasing the chances that sex will follow as a natural expression of our love.

Melissa: I used to think Louis had a one-track mind. Now I know he does! But I've also learned that he is normal.

Another thing I've noticed is that Louis's work, moods, attitudes and behavior in general seem to improve when he is sexually satisfied. That gives me the ability to significantly influence his effectiveness as a person. I like being a part of his life in this way, so I've tried to grow beyond my natural lack of drive and take more initiative. (This hasn't been difficult—it doesn't take much to seduce Louis!)

Erections in Midlife

My husband and I have hit middle age, and suddenly his erections seem less firm. He says this is normal, but intercourse just isn't the same for me. Is there something we can do about this problem?

Louis: What you're describing is normal. Most males after middle age experience changes in sexual function. They may not develop an erection as quickly or as often as before. Their erections may not be as firm. They may not maintain the maximal erection as long. Ejaculation may not occur as quickly, and there is typically less volume of ejaculate.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Summer

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