Real Sex

Inhibited lover, a weight problem and feeling used

Louis and Melissa McBurney

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During the 15 years of our marriage, our sex life has been okay. My wife never seems that interested, and I sometimes struggle with my self-worth when she turns me down. Our conversations about sex are short and not too detailed, because my wife feels uncomfortable with the subject. How can I help her open up more about her sexual side?

Louis: It's natural and good to desire more enjoyment and excitement—and a little more frequency—in your physical intimacy. Lots of husbands have that same desire and the same self-doubts that you describe. Sometimes I wonder if women really understand how intense the male sex drive is or how intrinsic a man's sexual fulfillment is to his self-acceptance. I recall a time when our children were all still at home, I was convinced Melissa would have been satisfied to give up sex altogether. As it turned out, that wasn't true. But it felt that way. Fortunately, sex got better (and keeps getting better).

Over the years, we've had a few insights that could help you. First, remember men and women are different. If our wives had our testosterone levels, they'd be a lot more interested in sex. Of course they'd also have beards and hair on their chests. It could also cause liver damage—so don't slip testosterone into your wife's coffee. But you can slip a book about maleness onto her pillow. We'd recommend What Men Want by Norm Wright (Regal) or The Sexual Man by Arch Hart (Word). Ask her to read and discuss the book with you. Helping her understand "normal" male sexuality will take you farther than accusing her of frigidity. At the same time, you can learn more about female sexuality. Your letter indicates that your wife may have some fears regarding sex. Perhaps a session or two with a competent counselor would draw out her feelings in this regard.

Second, learn how to touch your wife's "buttons." The most effective way to enhance a woman's sexual responsiveness is not "sexual" at all (especially not genital). For her, sexual intimacy blossoms from a sense of relational intimacy, spiritual bondedness and emotional safety. Without these as a foundation, sexual vulnerability is frightening. We've often heard a wife say that getting a glimpse into her husband's soul—his needs, fears, hurts and dreams—makes her want to get closer physically. His vulnerability allows her to become more vulnerable.

Third, don't anticipate a sudden, miraculous transformation, but look for gradual growth. Reading a book together is a good, nonthreatening first step. You might also try writing to each other. For many people, talking about the specifics of sex face to face is too intense or embarrassing.

As you work through this process, use affirmation to stimulate closeness and focus on the positive. Bring to mind your intense, "wow" sexual experiences of the past. Remembering them together can help renew the passion. You won your wife's heart once. I bet you can do it again!

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Spring

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Dianah

July 07, 2011 3:49am

I love all articles i read from this page. I realise am not the only one facing such problems in my marriages and you have given me relevant advice from reading such tesimonies. God Blesss you.