Eating My Own Words
When I was a bride more than 35 years ago, I was going to be the best wife ever. I'd put Donna Reed, June Cleaver, and Harriet Nelson to shame. I resolved never to serve frozen packaged food. Every night at 6:15 p.m., I'd serve a four-course dinner prepared from scratch.
I soon gave up the frozen food maxim. Now my idea is that if Sara Lee can do it better, let her! And I have a new resolution: Never serve frozen food—without thawing it first.
Don't get me wrong. I still have ideals. In fact, some of them have been strengthened by doing the things I said I'd never do. I've learned that on the other side of every Never is an Always. And bridging the two is real-life experience.
Following are some of my marriage "nevers"--and how I learned to balance my best intentions with common sense.
I'll NEVER hide credit-card bills.
Actually, I'm not sure I actually said this aloud. It seems so obvious, it shouldn't need saying. As a newlywed, the Proverbs 31 woman was my model. I would be a woman whose "husband has full confidence in her." Yessiree, my husband, Bill, would be able to trust me to keep a tight rein on our finances. Never mind the fact that before we married, I enjoyed generous lines of credit using my parents' charge cards. If I needed something, there was only one thing to do: Buy it.
I knew that after we married, things would have to change, especially since Bill was on the starve-as-you-go plan at graduate school. But eternal optimist that I am, I figured saying "I do" would miraculously transform me into the consummate frugal homemaker. It didn't happen. I had the right ideal but the wrong game plan.
True confession: A few months into marriage, I opened an account at a local department store and started charging a few things I needed. Actually, a lot of things I needed—or at least thought I did. When the statement arrived, I felt weak (one might say debilitated ). I didn't have a clue as to how I could pay the department store bill without my own Bill finding out. So I ate my words and did what I said I'd never do. I hid the bill.
Of course, when you hide a bill, it doesn't go away. It still has to be paid. But worse, as I found out, deceitfulness is the enemy of intimacy. Suddenly, I had a hard time looking Bill in the eye. I felt the burden of a secret, and it played out in our marriage in my subtly expressed shame and withdrawal. I felt our communication lines closing down.
What, I asked myself, would June Cleaver do? I made sure Bill was sitting with his feet up, drinking a nice tall glass of iced tea, when I told him I needed money to pay the bill. "Honey, I was sure the store made a mistake, but as it turns out I really shouldn't have bought a new winter wardrobe this month. But I've got it all figured out. We just won't pay the car payment for two months and everything will be fine." His response wasn't exactly Ward Cleaver-ish.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 1997, May/June, Vol. 19, Issue 3, Page 54
Related Topics:
Communication, Deceit, Intimacy, Marriage, PMS, Sexual intimacy, Temper, Trust
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Mary Brown(Registered User)
Great article, Kathy. "If our hearts do not condemn us, we have peace with God," for sure. The lesson about trust and communication being ruined by deception was a good one to learn early on. It's so great the way God walks with us and keeps teaching us as long as we're willing to be taught by Him.
Lisa VanTol
I think this new way to read the articles stinks! I really enjoy them and learn from them.....but am not going to pay when they were free.
Victoria
Thank you.... my "girls," daughters are nearing this #. And I can remember being somewhat idealistic... it was a different time-no credit card issues. Now at year 46, and he is still not in fellowship I have learned how to encourage my hubby to bless me and acknowledge God's role for him in our marriage. We are 86% compatible, a test he never would have taken in the past but wants "to make you happy" (then he gets to be happy?)With God's love I pray to keep a childlike heart, an adult mind, and strive to be a wife with Godly wisdom. Thanks for the smiles....
faith kiptoo
i have been so much blessed and educated by this aarticle.would like tp receive more of this
Anonymous
Thank you for this beautiful article, the last two paragraphs especially were talking to me, I nearly said I will "never" beat myself up again when I fail to live up to my expectations. It feels good to say I hope I don't beat myself up but if I do i'll forgive myself because i'm human and it's God who perfects. A million thanks to the author.
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