Real Sex

Bedroom C.E.O., Rapid Response and Zero Interest

Louis and Melissa McBurney

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My wife's a successful, assertive businesswoman. I'm thrilled that she is fulfilled in her work, but she brings that same driven mindset home. I can handle the way she manages the household, but not the way she dictates the terms of our sex life. She schedules our sex, as if it's part of her agenda to be completed between the weather report and "Nightline." Her driven nature may work great in the business world, but it fails miserably in bed. What should I do?

Melissa: Sex should be driven primarily by your relationship, not a production quota. If either partner makes sex a control issue, intimacy goes off the bottom of the profit chart. Your wife's controlling style has worked well for her on the job, and it's hard for her to relinquish it once she gets home. These same controlling behaviors also protect her from relational and emotional issues that are less comfortable for her.

It might be a good idea to borrow the terms and methods of relating in the business world, where your wife feels comfortable. Start "speaking her language" by making an appointment with her, through her support staff. When you get together, have a written proposal for her to consider. Begin by affirming her as a successful executive, telling her the things you mention in your letter to us. Next, assure her of your support and love (you're not staging a walk-out).

Then ask her to consider your point of view. Make this statement appropriately clear: You want to have a closer relationship with more emotional and sexual intimacy. Let her know you feel unfulfilled, disregarded and relegated to the status of just one more agenda item. Tell her you want a sense of mutuality in your sex life. Finally, propose a new "contract agreement" that would restore romance and warmth into your partnership. That may require some lunch meetings or weekend conferences!

At the same time, get your wife's input about how she'd like for you to be as a husband. She's an assertive person used to taking control. She may be waiting for you to exercise more strength. Even strong women like to be able to lean on their men.

I have a problem with premature ejaculation. I can't last more than five or ten minutes during intercourse. My wife is kind about it, but I feel disappointed and embarrassed. How can I last longer?

Louis: Unlike the olden days, now that we're familiar with the orgasmic potential of women, there is far greater pressure on husbands to bring their wives to climax. This creates dramatic anxiety to perform, which has triggered an epidemic of premature ejaculation. But anxiety during sex is not the only factor.

Sometimes a man has a history of hurried experiences, either from masturbating or from rushing sex for fear of being caught in premarital relations. Some genetic theorists explain that earlier ejaculations often have a better success rate for impregnation (in other words: not as much satisfaction, but great for conceiving children). But there's no question that performance anxiety undoubtedly turns up the speed, and there's no doubt that the male response time is inherently different from the female's. Your experience is typical: Five or ten minutes of direct stimulation will usually be adequate for ejaculation.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1997, Winter

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